Six Danger Zones to Consider in Your Divorce
There are a lot of ways to be overwhelmed and make serious miscalculations in divorce. The stress of a major life trauma makes even the smartest, steadiest people vulnerable to that.
But right now—whether you’re contemplating a divorce or in the midst of one—you can identify the likeliest danger zones in your divorce and steer out of them.
Use the checklist below to help you cut through emotions and confusion to see the areas where you might need to make shifts in your thinking, behavior, or understanding of what’s going on. Zeroing in there with an attorney and/or support team can help you stay grounded and effective—and not lose your mind in the divorce.
Danger Zone 1: Deception.
Your spouse’s uncharacteristic actions are a clue that they might be quietly planning for a divorce and trying to gain an advantage.
Are shifts happening in your marriage when it comes to parenting arrangements. Is your spouse becoming more involved in the children’s lives? Could this be a sign of a gambit to increase chances of a more favorable result in court or is this because your spouse just wants to be more involved in their lives as they age?
Do you want equal custody of the children, but work a demanding job, which would mean you would have to engage nannies during part of your parenting time? When your soon-to-be ex suddenly wants a right of first refusal allowing them to watch the kids while you’re working, do you understand that this may be part of a gambit to become the primary parent?
Did you recently sell a major asset like a home with the understanding that you would buy a new asset, but for reasons that do not fully make sense to you, your spouse has changed their mind?
Danger Zone 2: Unhandled emotions.
You have unfinished emotional business that could overwhelm the divorce.
Have you been in an unsatisfying marriage far too long and want a divorce? Have you started the grieving process? Know that it can take 2 years to grieve. Better to work out your unresolved issues outside of court rather than potentially projecting these unresolved issues on a multi-year divorce litigation.
Were you caught cheating? Did you clear the air? In couples therapy?
Was everything going well with custody until your soon to be ex realized you are in a new relationship and now they are frosty to you and refusing to allow your child around this new person?
Are you emotionally raw, so you still engage in toxic email or text exchanges? Understand that if your divorce goes south, the court will view these toxic messages negatively.
Do you have an aversion to therapy, but you find yourself in a difficult divorce and need help processing your emotions? How about journaling? It is free. It also allows you to get things off your mind in a safe space.
Have you neglected your self-care, so you are now more depressed and anxious than usual and running on fumes?
Danger Zone 3: Misconceptions about the process.
You don’t understand your responsibilities in the divorce or how to work with your attorney.
Do you believe that since most divorce settle, there’s no need to prepare or do what is necessary to be ready for a trial? Are you telling yourself it costs too much, better just to take a wait-and-see approach? Do you realize this tactic may result in you being “fleeced” in court if you are unprepared?
Are you representing yourself? That may be a sign to the Court that you have given up and are acting out.
Does your spouse refuse to give you documents you requested in your divorce but your attorneys are not doing what is necessary to get that information? Do you realize it is your duty (through your attorney) to get the information you need for trial and if they are not giving you the documents you need, you will have to explore other options to get them or sanction your spouse for disobedience of discovery demands?
Do you not respond to your attorney for days or even weeks, because you want to save money?
Do you know if you do not trust your attorney, you can easily change counsel?
Danger Zone 4: Misreading your spouse.
You believe their promises without getting them in writing, and you may be blind to their larger issues and strategies.
Did you start the mediation process, but your spouse will not agree to a “cut-off agreement” which ends the economic partnership of the marriage as if you commenced a divorce action? That could be a sign that your spouse does not really want to be collaborative.
Did your spouse promise you XYZ but refuses now to give it to you? Did you put this agreement into an enforceable agreement? If not, do you realize that the court may consider this an unenforceable agreement or promise.
Have you spent over $100,000 on your divorce and you just want your divorce over with, but your soon-to-be ex is making unreasonable demands that drive the divorce budget up? Do you realize that they are trying to cause you so much pain that you will give in and give up?
Does your spouse have addiction issues? Are things bad? Realize people do not change until they want to change.
Danger Zone 5: Misunderstanding the court.
You don’t know what’s persuasive and effective and what’s not.
Do you avoid any responsibility for your actions in your divorce? In close cases, the spouse that behaves more usually gets more favorable treatment from the court.
Do you realize that allegations are not truths until admitted or supported with compelling evidence? You’re worrying unnecessarily if you think that the judge will still believe your spouse if you deny their allegations and support your version with compelling evidence, not just puffery.
Are you being treated unfairly in your divorce by the court? Remember the court is always right, even when wrong, and attacking the court about any perceived injustices usually does not end well.
Is your divorce is going nowhere and your spouse taking unreasonable positions? Maybe you need a decider like a judge to break the stalemate. Accepting that may help move things along.
Danger Zone 6: Resisting give and take.
You overlook good options because you take a hard line that doesn’t recognize your ex as a human, and you don’t think through the consequences of your demands.
Are you fighting about money? Realize that the conflict is never really about money. It is about what money represents, such as fear, control, power and self-respect.
Do you want equal custody of the children, but do not want to live near your soon to be ex? How is that going to work?
Are you married to a teacher who gets the summers off? Do you enroll the children in a camp that takes up their whole vacation, even though your soon-to-be ex wants to take them on a trip with him? Are you surprised when you get a “poke the bear” reaction?
Can you be more creative in your positions?