Eight Ways that Deescalate Divorce
In navigating a difficult divorce, some people crumble while others rise to the challenge. From the outside, it seems that a lucky few are naturally predisposed to cope with the demands of a conflict like this, while the rest get anxious, panic in stressful situations, or shut down when triggered. But it’s not fate or genetics that determines how you’ll cope. No matter how anxious or pressured you feel, you can make small decisions every day to de-escalate your divorce and move closer to getting what you need. Deliberately and strategically, you can change counterproductive attitudes, adopt new behaviors, and stay focused on the aspects of the divorce that will have the most long-term impact. Here are eight suggestions to increase your chances of success.
1. Visualize post-divorce life. When people are getting divorced, many think only about the short-term. They are in panic mode. Every issue seems like a crisis that brings uncertainty and raises the stakes. But if they focus their energies only on short-term matters at the expense of long-term goals, they may not be doing all they can to set up a post-divorce life to best support them. Keep the big picture in front of you by writing down your divorce goals and creating a mental picture of the way you’d like to live when the divorce is over. That’s what you’re steering toward. Will a scorched-earth battle today over who picks up the children really help you get there? People often underestimate how hard it is to achieve their ideal post-divorce life, so visualize a Plan B post-divorce life too, one in which every aspect of your life may not be exactly as you’d like, but the most important pieces are there.
2. Fight for maximum influence. Given how crazed most people are when getting divorced, it is not uncommon for them to choose a path for divorce that will deplete their resources before they reach a resolution. It’s all too easy to rush forward, guns blazing, without weighing costs and benefits. They may begin a contested divorce action without considering the hefty budget they’ll need through a costly trial. They may not stop to ask whether every judge has the time, attention, and wisdom they need to bring their divorce to closure efficiently. (Short answer: no.) They may have no understanding of how busy judges are. They may not have considered that the only people who “win” in a divorce that goes to trial are the lawyers. But you can sidestep spending the cost of a college education on a divorce. One option that can make a settlement easier: it may be helpful to engage a neutral third party, such as a real estate broker or a child development expert, to close contested issues efficiently.
3. Have flexible entry points for mediation. Traditionally, when people think about mediation, they assume that it comes at the start of the divorce process. They think that only divorcing spouses who act civilly towards one another will engage in mediation to reach an outcome both perceive as fair. But many people find themselves in a situation where the parties are playing out their version of The War of The Roses. Contested divorces can span years. And over time, many parties who may not have been ready for mediation at the beginning of their divorce may reconsider. After spending time, money, energy, and emotion in a bitter war, more often than not, the closer they get to a judicial resolution, the more they rethink settlement positions. At these times, even people in a high conflict divorce may be more amenable to mediation or other alternative resolution methods. Stay open to that possibility, and encourage it.
4. Be a strategic negotiator. Most people do not know how to set themselves up for success in their divorce negotiations. They do not prepare beforehand, think about changing their perceptions of the situation, or make the other person feel they are “winning” the negotiation. They do not think about tactics the other side will use to try to get more from them. They do not have a nuanced plan to put in place if negotiations break down or things go south. Instead, they’re tied to the twin tactics of reacting to what comes and trying to make the other person change. But you can gain freedom, agency and power if you focus on strategy. You can take control of your own planning, perceptions, and behavior, and map a path to your best outcome.
5. Defuse low-ball first offers. No one likes low-ball offers. But even though they are offensive, they are influential. Don’t let them trigger an angry race to the bottom. Rather than counter in a similar manner, which will only escalate matters, first make it clear that their offer is unreasonable and out of the range of possible settlement discussions. By doing this first, before you make a counteroffer, you’ll keep from anchoring the negotiation around the low-ball offer. Then, make a counteroffer and explain the reasons why it makes the most sense. That way, you’ll keep the negotiation discussions centered around the counter, not the low-ball offer.
6. Focus on asking questions, not arguing. Most people in divorce negotiations start by telling the other side what they want. If they do not get it, they then resort to arguing to persuade (or bully) others to see the merits of their position. But it makes more sense to ask questions than argue. People usually do not think clearly when arguing because they are emotionally triggered. Asking open-ended questions avoids this—it doesn’t put people on the defensive. It also helps you gather information about what is important to the other side in the divorce. As you do this, it is much easier to steer the negotiation to create value for everyone involved, not just the one making demands.
7. Invest in therapy, not revenge litigation. Therapy provides insight into behavior. Many people who suffer a great betrayal during their marriage naturally want revenge. They may even spend more on attorney fees than in what it would cost to settle. Instead of spending time, energy, and resources on revenge litigation, it may be helpful to uncover what is driving the need for revenge litigation and to seek ways to resolve the emotional issues outside the financial arena. Even if the money budget is limitless, you can never recoup the time. And “making the other person suffer” is not an effective cure for suffering.
8. Accept that a decision may be the only way. Some people will not settle on mutually agreeable terms. Some may be down to using the divorce process as a proxy for ego-driven desires, mental health disorders, or a combination of the two. Efforts at deescalating divorce do work, but there are limits. If your best efforts to reach a settlement using the steps above don’t create the movement you want, accept the fact that a judge will have to decide the divorce. Acceptance will allow you to change tactics and increase the probability that you can prepare properly before trial to give the best possible chance for success.
I hope you will explore these ways of deescalating a high conflict divorce because if you do, chances are good that you’ll have a better experience. Not only will you set yourself up for a better post-divorce life, but you will also set your children up to have better childhood memories. You’ll give them a healthy model for cultivating respect in a relationship even in conflict, and show them that your family can go forward, even when the marriage is gone.