Erica Komisar on Creating Optimal Parenting Plans
Divorce is extremely tough on children, but a solid parenting plan can help calm the fears and disorientation that come with adjusting to world where their parents live apart. Recently, I had the opportunity to speak with parenting expert Erica Komisar, a clinical social worker, psychoanalyst and author. She‘s source of rich wisdom for helping kids adjust and flourish after a divorce.
Komisar packed our conversation with practical guidance for helping children of every age feel safe and supported in a two-household family.
Here are some highlights from our conversation.
How to think about your kids and their needs
Children are not property.
They need you to be flexible.
More than anything, they need you to consider their needs ahead of your own convenience. If you struggle with putting your children first, parenting guidance training will help you do that, and to see through their eyes.
Children thrive on stability and routine.
If you have a baby
For babies, it’s better to ask “what do babies need?” than what is easier for the parents.
It makes sense for babies to reside primarily with the parent who is more nurturing and bonded during the first 1,000 days—about the first three years—of their lives.
Babies need to feel secure both day and night.
The non-primary parent should interact with the baby every day in a healthy co-parenting relationship.
If you have kids in primary school (ages 4 to 9)
It’s stressful to have two homes. Children in this group feel less anxious when parents keep their rooms in both homes similarly furnished (with similar clothes, toys, pictures of family members).
Having transitional objects and duplicates of favorite belongings can help kids feel more at ease in each place.
The pets can travel with the children.
* Budget permitting, you can share a babysitter.
If you have kids in early adolescence (ages 9 to 13)
During this time, children may begin to bond more with one parent. This bonding could be toward either parent.
If you have a new romantic partner, be sure you’re in a seriously committed long-term relationship before introducing them to your children. It would be stressful for them to meet someone new only to see them leave too soon.