If ending a toxic marriage and in a high conflict divorce, consider parallel parenting over a custody battle.

Success in a high conflict divorce is first about survival. Most people in a difficult divorce see no way out of their parenting issues without a war or a surrender. In some of these problematic divorces, the only option for parents is sole custody. This usually happens when there are serious substance-abuse issues, mental health disorders, or a parent is engaging in domestic violence.  But in the vast majority of contentious divorces, most parties would be better served by attempting to resolve their custody issues through parallel parenting.

Parallel parenting defined. In parallel parenting, the parties agree to a parenting plan that spells out when the child will be with each parent, and then they each independently follow the plan, limiting their direct contact with each other. They don’t go to each other’s homes for pick-ups, talk on the phone, text or see each other. They don’t attend the child’s school events or teacher conferences at the same time (where able), and they communicate only in a concise, business-like way by email or a designated app, and only if the child is sick, if there are schedule changes, or if a serious issue arises concerning the child. At drop-offs, they stay in the car and the child travels between them or it is done in some neutral location like a building lobby or school. There is a wide zone of separation between the parents.

Parallel parenting achieves most of the objectives of having the independence of sole custody without the emotional and financial costs of custody litigation.

Let me explain why.

Parallel parenting is for parents who are not in sync. Think of parallel parenting as the difference between driving your car to work versus carpooling. Carpooling works when people can work together and follow similar schedules. But if you carpool with a person on a different schedule than you, it may not be practical to commute together. And if you and your spouse are on different pages about parenting, and don’t agree on issues like bedtimes, limiting device time, nutrition or extracurricular activities, then it is clear you will not be parenting in sync.

Courts favor joint custody. The court favors parents who use the resources available in litigation, such as parenting classes, child custody experts, and attorneys for children, to help parties gain better insights into their unproductive behavior and grow during litigation. The hope is that through these services, both parents can be in sync enough to co-parent effectively. But if you are just not able to work together, even though you both can fake playing nice when the court is watching, and you know deep down that there is no way you can cooperatively parent post-divorce, then joint custody will simply not work for you and your family.

Parallel parenting allows for disengagement. Parents coming out of a dysfunctional marriage may be in trauma, which prevents them from thinking clearly. Usually, they are under such duress that they are only thinking about taking care of themselves rather than promoting what is best for their child. Parallel parenting gives parents a period of disengagement from each other so they have the time necessary to heal while removing unnecessary conflict between them, which can negatively affect the children.

Disengagement from the other party does not mean disengaging from the children. Parallel parenting allows the parents to disengage from each other. And as it does, it does not put the children in the middle. Although the parents are in very limited communication with one another, they are still fully engaged with the children. Since courts favor parents having meaningful relationships with their children and pressure people against custody battles in most situations, parallel parenting allows parents to escape the emotional and financial costs of a custody battle while gaining most of the benefits, namely, independence to parent according to their particular parenting style without interference by the other parent.

Parallel parenting does not mean joint decisions do not have to be made. After a period of disconnection, what may happen is that the parties may develop healthier boundaries. They do this by having business-like conversations and following agreed-upon parenting exchanges. But as time marches on, there will come a time when larger decisions have to be made. In those situations, the parties may do well by using the services of a parenting coordinator, who can facilitate these problems areas, such as educational and religious issues.

Parallel parenting may only be temporary. Once the parents regain equilibrium and move on with their lives, they may find that they can work together since their emotions have calmed. In those situations, the parents may deviate from the fixed schedule and can make more agreements without the need of a parenting coordinator. On the other hand, the parents may move into a cold war and just continue to disagree. But in both situations, the parents' energy can be directed positively to the children rather than directed negatively against each other.

Dig Deeper: Communicating only through apps like Talking Parents gives parents the clarity and accountability needed to parallel parent most effectively.