Jennifer Lopez was in the news again recently with the release of her vulnerable Netflix documentary, Halftime, and her Oscar-caliber acceptance speech for the MTV Generation Award.  

In both her documentary and speech, we learn about her career-making relationship with her longtime manager Benny Medina, who was the inspiration for the hit TV show, Fresh Prince of Bel Air. 

Lopez and Medina have been a superstar team, but their relationship was not always rosy.  

It turns out that in 2003, Lopez fired Medina and sued him for business misconduct.  

She filed the lawsuit, she reveals, because she felt wronged, taken advantage of, and misled.  

A lot of people going through a divorce feel the same strong feelings. And a natural reaction is to hire a divorce attorney and file a suit against your spouse.  

But as Lopez realized, that’s not always the best long-term solution in what feels like a crisis. As years went by, she found out that she needed Medina—just as you may need your ex-spouse’s help over the long haul.  

That’s especially true if you have a child together. Children need both parents in their lives meaningful to give them the foundation they need to increase their chances of success, so for their benefit, you’ll want to keep working with your ex. 

After her break with Medina, Lopez tried going it alone, but she realized in 2008 that she needed to rehire him because he was the one whose input kept taking her to the top.

You could go to war with your spouse in court, the way Lopez fought with Medina, but if you do that for five years (not uncommon in litigated divorces) before deciding you need to work together for the children, you’ll be impacting as much as 30% of their childhood with your bad decisions (not to mention the post-divorce psychological toll, which can surface decades later from a contentious split).  

It would have been better for Lopez if she hired an attorney who was more focused on reducing the emotional intensity and solving problems rather than creating more problems.  And it would be better for you too.

If you’re wondering where to start, litigation-free attorneys—and yes, that is a real category— focus on services like these.  

Mediation is a great way to settle disputes. If you need more help, you can hire collaborative attorneys.  

Think of court like a hospital: better saved for true emergencies.  

Because once you go to court, you’re likely to spend five years or more arguing with your spouse about how much “bad blood” you have between you.  

Although your relationship may change from spouse to co-parents, you should realize that litigation sucks time, money, energy, and emotion. And even if you have a toxic,  abusive relationship with your spouse, a litigated divorce proceeding is usually not recommended while going through a divorce.  

Instead, try to put your children first. Focus on their needs with the help of a child specialist, parent coordinator, and/or divorce coach. 

If the other side refuses to hire a child focused professional, you should not fear going to court as courts are now encouraging parties to use Alternative dispute resolution like mediation. They will do everything they can to get parties back into mediation.

Lopez said near the end of her MTV speech that Medina was a “ride or die” relationship, a person who was loyal to her, come what may.  All former spouses who have children need to be that for their kids, working together for the good of their sons and daughters even as they move through the post-divorce world and on to different romantic partners.  

Your feelings of anger or betrayal may be telling you to take your divorce to court. But see what’s possible if you let your emotions cool and focus on making a new kind of partnership with your ex for a higher good. What could be more important than the wellbeing of your children?