Relationship to Mediation Hinges on Relationship to the Budget

Contested divorces can span years. And over time, many people who may not have been ready for mediation at the beginning of their divorce may reconsider after some time has passed. After spending considerable time, money, energy, and emotion in a divorce war, more often than not, the closer they get to a trial, the more they rethink settlement positions.

Mediation makes sense for most people, and if you’re considering it—whether you’re early in the divorce process or have been immersed for way too long—you can give it the best chance when you understand one key point:

A divorcing spouse’s relationship to mediation hinges on their relationship to the budget they’re devoting to the divorce.

The budget, which encompasses finances, energy, emotion, and time, determines how far into a high-conflict battle people are willing to march. You can remember those components with the acronym FEET.

F –Finances

E –Energy

E –Emotion

T –Time

Chances are, there’s one particular aspect of the budget that trips each of you up, triggers you, and/or becomes your primary focus in the divorce. But when you understand what “budget type” each of you are, you can speak to what’s most important to the other person, find the kind of experts and mediators who can best help you, and get what’s ultimately most important to you—a fair and satisfying resolution to the divorce.

 The Four Budget Types

1. Finance Whiz (FEET)

The finance whiz’s primary goal is to conserve cash.

The finance whiz thinks of divorce as ending a business partnership.

They understand they have rights and obligations and seek to discuss the numbers sooner rather than later.

Motto: Can we look at the spreadsheet?

Pro: Is a candidate for early intervention mediation. May be willing to leave money on the table to move on with their life.

Con: May avoid the use of the F-word: Feelings. This is problematic when the opposing spouse is focused on the emotional piece of the budget. In that case, the finance whiz may get frustrated with the pace of the divorce process—which they believe is being “slowed down” by all the F-words being thrown around. They’re likely to either resort to hardball litigation tactics to move things along, which may lead to budget escalation, or to abandon long-term divorce goals like fairness in favor of short-term objectives—like the desire to “stop the whining and get this done.”

If you’re dealing with a financial whiz: Process feelings privately and walk-in prepared to “talk business.” If you’re the financial whiz, realize that your frustration with emotions is costing you. Save time and money by processing it so it doesn’t control you.

2. Energized Crusader (FEET)

The energized crusader is focused on obtaining important divorce goals despite the financial constraints.

They understand that they have to focus their energy on what is most important to them, and they’re willing to sacrifice other parts of their lives to ensure that they get it.

The problem is that their tight focus may lead to blind spots. It may be helpful for the energized crusader to invest in thinking about second-and third-order consequences to make sure that their divorce goals are worth the investment of their energy.

For example, at first, blush, seeking equal time with the children may seem the only equitable way to resolve custody. But if the energized crusader can think about the consequences of achieving this goal (for example, less time available for work or increased childcare costs) and use that understanding to inform what he or she is fighting for, maybe they will have a more efficient divorce.

Motto: Full steam ahead.

Pro: Likely candidate for early mediation.  

Con: It is hard for the energized crusader to optimize other areas of their lives if distracted by a hotly contested divorce.

If you’re an energized crusader: Seek the help of an expert, like a divorce coach or financial planner, to envision the life you want five years post-divorce and reassess your divorce budget.

3. Emotion Minder (FEET)

The emotion minder is driven by emotions, either positive or negative.

The positive emotions can be the excitement of obtaining their divorce goals.

The negative emotions can be the fear of failing to achieve their divorce goals.

The emotion minder’s concerns are best treated by a mediator who has a mental health background or is pro F- (feeling) word.

Although divorce lawyers are, in essence, unlicensed therapists, and some divorce lawyers may make great therapists, it may be less expensive and more appropriate to use a licensed mental health professional to work through intense emotions.

Motto: F-word.

Pro: If the emotion minder can uncover their emotional triggers, they may be able to deescalate the divorce. 

Con: If emotions are intense, the parties may need a decider to move things along.

If you’re an emotion minder: Own your emotional nature and get help managing and harnessing it.  Although people think that divorce mediators should shy away from the F-word, it may be helpful for the emotion minder to work through their emotions therapeutically, either by using a mental health professional as a mediator or engaging in pre-divorce planning with a mental health professional.

4. Ticking Clock (FEET)

The ticking clock views time itself as an asset or liability.

If the ticking clock views time as an asset they can deploy, then they slow down the divorce.

For example, if they know their spouse wants to remarry soon, they may exploit this need for leverage.

If the ticking clock views the time they spend on the divorce as a liability, then they want to speed up the process.

A ticking clock who views time as a liability may set deadlines to try and move things along. The deadlines are usually broken by the ticking clock who views time as an asset.

Motto: Time has value I can trade to my advantage.

Pro: A time-driven spouse would be open to mediation.

Con: The mediation may be manipulated by a ticking clock wanting to slow down the divorce process.  

If you’re dealing with a ticking clock: Be as flexible as you can with the timelines that are under your control to drain the reactiveness the ticking clock wants to exploit, then work with your attorney on time issues.

Take-away: Your budget type can be a key to unlocking stuck negotiations or getting on with mediation. You can reframe the discussion by understanding and working with yours.