A 4-Step Plan for Defusing Verbal Attacks in a Settlement Meeting
Marriage are full of patterns. Your partner says A, you do B, and in the kinds of negative patterns that show up in divorces, conflict follows. Both you and your partner know how to pick a fight, set each other off, and keep emotions burning hot [whether you’re passive or aggressive].
But what if you consciously broke out of old habits and vicious circles in your divorce negotiations? What if you could gain traction—and sanity—by bringing a new pattern into the game?
Let me show you how that might look at a settlement meeting, where your partner suddenly goes on the attack.
Say you have been battling back and forth over parenting issues.
You want to be the primary parent, and why should you not get primary? You have been the only involved parent in this marriage for years, and you even homeschooled the children.
Your spouse, who was never more than a passive parent before this divorce, all of a sudden wants to have joint legal custody.
You are concerned because you do not want to communicate with your ex over parenting issues for years to come. It just drags you down.
The trial is approaching, and the court ordered that you engage in a productive settlement discussion with the help of a mediator.
You think things are going well, but then your spouse attacks you by saying,
“These are my children, too. They are not dolls, they are not your possessions. I have a right to parent them, too. You are putting them in the middle.”
There are many ways to respond to this kind of emotional attack. Your pattern might be to become defensive and refute what the other parent says. This type of defense usually starts with, “No, I am not!”
You might also shut down.
You think the mediator is supposed to step in and protect you from outbursts like this, but you do not feel this is happening. You think the mediator is intimidated, but you want to stay in the game. You do not want to be derailed by your spouse’s tactics.
So you sit silently long enough to take a deep breath or two. And then, instead of reflexively jumping back in with a rush of anger—“You don’t even know what parenting looks like!” or “You have no right to criticize me!”—you break the pattern and try something new that you’ve been practicing. Because you really want to stay in the game, and this time, you have a strategy to your relief.
It's called the ALAS method, and just knowing that you’ve prepared empowers you, reducing the anxiety about the unknown.
The four-step ALAS process looks like this:
A - Apologize
First, you apologize to your spouse.
You say, I’m sorry; I know you’re struggling to deal with me. I realize that I’ve upset you.
The apology acts as a diffuser. You can feel a change in the air as your spouse regroups. They did not expect this response. You broke the pattern by not getting defensive and breaking down the way you were “supposed to.” Instead, you are acting tactically.
L - Label Emotions
·Second, you try to label what your spouse is feeling.
You could say, “I can see that you are frustrated.”
This labeling will allow your spouse to regain composure as you bring awareness to the situation.
A - Ask Clarifying Questions
Third, you can move to an open-ended question to help your spouse solve your problem.
Such a clarifying question could be something like, What kind of parenting plan would let us continue to give the children the kind of stability we provided for them during the marriage?
This is a way of saying, “We’re on the same team with the same goal.” And it opens the door for your spouse to begin problem-solving for “all of us” rather than “me.”
S - Set Boundaries
If things do not settle down and the attacks persist, ask the mediator to help you or take a break and return.
If you must respond, you can set boundaries using the words when I, and because:
When - When you have outbursts like that
I feel - I feel hopeless about a resolution
Because - Because you don’t seem open to thinking about creative options that might work for both of us.
Using the ALAS method does not guarantee 100% success. However, each time you practice, you will feel better at executing this technique and unplugging from destructive patterns.
This sense of progress and improvement will boost your confidence and competence, leading to a more favorable divorce outcome.