What Happens In A Custody Battle When The Nanny Is the Primary Caregiver?

What happens in a custody battle when the nanny is the primary caregiver?

A custody case usually involves two parents who are trying to work out how much time each will have with their child.

Often, there’s a big “fight” between the parents to show that they are the primary parent and therefore deserve custody.

But in some families, especially where you have two parents with demanding jobs, neither parent may be considered the primary parent. That’s because both of you are so busy working that primary care of the child falls to someone else.

So what should you consider as you work to resolve custody issues when the person your child is most attached to is your nanny?

1. Do Not Alienate the Nanny

Many times, one parent, not both, chooses the nanny. Because of that, the parent who was not involved in the decision may have negative feelings toward the nanny that only get stronger if they’re also the one funding the salary of this person they don’t like. Nannies are expensive!

Situations like this can come up when one parent used a nanny and the other person may have objected, but the issue was unresolved as divorce proceedings began. Over the months, or even longer, before the issue came before a court, the child and nanny were together, forming a bond, and the court does not want to upset the status quo in many situations. A divorce is upsetting to a child, and the court is reluctant to take away the person to whom the child has become tightly attached.

If you are caught in this position, remember that this nanny that you may not have picked is going to play a central role in the child’s life. It makes no sense to be anything other than gracious to the nanny.

I know this is hard to do. Do it anyway. As they say, fake it until you make it.

2. Even an Hour of Daily, High-Quality Parenting Involvement May Be Enough

Even if the parent who wants sole custody works a demanding job and relies heavily on a nanny for child care, if this parent is viewed by the child as the primary parent, a court will most likely not disrupt the relationship, provided this parent is acting in the best in interest of the child.

You may be focusing on how little time your spouse spends with the child, thinking that it will show how little involvement they have in the child’s life. The court usually does not find this persuasive.

Remember, if a parent only spends an hour a day with a child, say 30 minutes in the morning and 30 minutes in the evening, that may be enough to create a strong child-parent bond, and this relationship will take on greater importance. The court is looking at the strength, not the length, of the parent’s bonding time. It is also highly aware of the nonparent, the nanny, who is constantly with the child.

3. Do not necessarily trust what the child says, especially when the child is very young.

Sometimes a child will say that they want to be with the other parent, say, the parent who spends less time with them. And that parent will use the child’s words as a reason why the court should grant her primary custody.

But children sometimes say things to please their parents, and the child’s statement alone may not be enough. You may be misreading your child’s genuine wishes.

4. If the child falls apart with the other parent, it may not mean what you think it means.

Another area where parents can misread their child’s true wishes because they misunderstand child development is when they argue that “the child falls apart with the other parent but is perfect with me.”

What could be happening is that the child is presenting well with one parent, perhaps the parent who spends less time with them, but with the other parent, he falls apart. He is cranky, tired, hungry, bored, you name it.

It does not mean that the child is “better” when he’s better behaved with one parent, but that the child may feel more “at home” with the other parent and more comfortable expressing his true self.

It is as if you’re a guest at someone’s house, see their smiling, polite kids, and say, “These children are lovely,” thinking that’s the whole story. But the parents know that the kids are only on their best behavior because you’re there, and when you go home, things will return to normal, with all its fussing and acting out.

5. In all this, one person who can read the child well is the nanny.

As you and your spouse battle, working out how and when you’ll be with your child, the nanny who may be caught up in the dispute is your child’s anchor. Don’t be casual with that bond. Even if you don’t view the situation as ideal, the nanny is a constant in your child’s changing life. He or she may be able to provide your child with a lot of structure and stability through the destabilizing process of a divorce. That relationship is pivotal. Find the willingness to handle it with care.