Court Pressure In Divorce
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When divorcing couples can't reach agreements through mediation, court intervention can serve as a catalyst for compromise. Court pressure often helps parties abandon unrealistic positions when faced with judicial scrutiny. However, the goal isn't to triumph over your spouse but to use this momentum to reach a fair settlement. Building goodwill remains crucial for long-term success.
Clients going through difficult divorces often hear me talk about how they, not judges, are the ones with the intimate knowledge required to make the best decisions about the future of the family, especially the well-being of the children. That’s a key reason for choosing mediation and cooperative approaches whenever you can.
You and your spouse, despite your differences, have a powerful common interest in doing what’s best for your family. And that can be enough to help you push through difficulties and reach solutions that are good for all of you.
But inevitably, things get stuck, and one or both of you may need pressure from the court to move forward.
When is Court Pressure Necessary?
Maybe one of you is taking positions that are hard to support, like claiming on your tax return that you make $100,000 but saying that your expenses are triple that, you have no debt, and that you don’t receive any other support. Your numbers don’t add up, but that doesn’t budge the grip of this fantasy story.
Maybe you’re at an impasse over child support and custody, waging emotional battles that do not move you closer to agreement as traumatic months and years threaten to pass.
Maybe your spouse is throwing up roadblock after expensive roadblock to prolong the divorce process to deplete your resource and refuses to consider mediation or working in good faith toward a settlement, despite your strong desire to do so.
At times like this, when other attempts to resolve your differences have failed, it’s reasonable and may be necessary to go to the judge by filing a motion and asking the court to step in, look at the evidence, and make the decision or actions that you’ve found impossible to motivate yourselves to reach.
Think of a Court Filing as a Catalyst
The attorneys on both sides, especially if they’re top-notch, will do everything they can to expose the other side’s weaknesses in court. So any “fantasy framing” you’ve been holding onto will most likely quickly be knocked away. It’s evidence, not your stories, that the court cares about.
If nothing has dissuaded you from taking positions that you cannot legitimately support, expect to wind up behind the eight ball with the judge, and further know that you’ve probably lost credibility and likely opened yourself up to suspicion and harsh scrutiny of every other element of your case. You may think you can BS your spouse, but think again about trying to BS the judge.
The same, of course, holds true for your spouse.
For either party who’s clinging to insupportable positions, the prospect of making a bad case to a judge, who has the power to punish dishonesty, look under any stones turned over by attorneys on either side, reprimand and compel action, is often enough to prompt a sudden desire to compromise, re-evaluate, or take more moderate positions.
Some people simply need pressure from the court, or the threat of it, to moderate their stance and move forward. The goal of some court filings, then, may be to act as a catalyst for compromise. Your attorney may also file motions to request documents, set deadlines, or establish support to allow the other side to take action itself before being forced to by the court.
The Ultimate Goal is always to Reach an Equitable Settlement (One You Can Live With)
If your spouse is the one facing the anger or exasperation of the court, it may feel exquisitely satisfying to see them grilled by a judge and forced to retreat from a stuck position. But keep in mind that the goal isn’t to lord your victory over your spouse, wallow in your “vindication” and dig in your heels for more and more rounds of conflict.
The real victory here is that you have a new opening for a compromise that moves you toward a more reasonable agreement. So be as gracious as you can, and try to offer a gesture of peace, even a small one. What position might you be able to soften to contribute to the outcome you want—a smoother, faster resolution of the divorce?
In the classic children’s story of Stone Soup, strangers come to a village, asking for food and a place to sleep. They have nothing to offer by way of payment, but they tell the villagers they have the recipe for stone soup, which will be the most delicious soup they’ve ever tasted. All they need is a pot—easy for someone to offer—some water, easy for another to bring. Villagers eager to taste this soup start offering bits of beef, carrots, potatoes, and salt. Soon, these many tiny contributions produced something magical.
Think of any gain you receive from court pressure, any movement forward, as akin to the stranger’s stone soup, something to build on and enrich in a stream of small ways. Be sure to throw kindness into the pot and do your best to create goodwill, even when it’s complicated.
Judges can help you, but it’s goodwill that will keep carrying you on.