A Kinder Way to Divorce: Even When It Feels Impossible
Are you staring down the overwhelming prospect of divorce and dreading the emotional toll of a drawn-out courtroom battle? Does it seem like your situation is too contentious or complicated for anything but a fight?
Don’t resign yourself to warring with your spouse. There’s a different way to go—a way that could transform even the most challenging divorces into an opportunity for growth and peace. I’m talking about collaborative divorce, a groundbreaking approach that prioritizes respect, problem-solving, and your family’s well-being over winning or losing.
I recently spoke with Dr. Jeremy Gaies, a mental health professional, author, and expert in guiding families through divorce, and I’d like to share some of his powerful insights about how the collaborative process works—even in high-conflict cases—and why it could be the solution you're looking for.
First, though, let’s get one big misconception off the table. Collaborative divorce isn’t just for couples who get along. If your spouse is uncooperative or difficult, this approach creates a structured, supportive space to work through issues. It’s designed to manage conflict while guiding both of you toward mutually beneficial solutions—without setting foot in a courtroom.
As long as you both agree that you want to reach a resolution outside of court, Dr. Gaies, who’s written a great book on collaborative divorce, says the process can “accommodate, absorb and contain” every sort of conflict that comes up, and see your family to the other side of it.
How does it work? At its core is a team of professionals working together to support you. Instead of navigating your differences alone, you’ll have attorneys, mental health experts and financial specialists there to support your family. They help defuse tension, keep things on track, and manage challenging dynamics so the focus stays on finding solutions. As Dr. Gaies says, it’s nothing like battling in court because in collaborative divorce, “everyone involved gets it that we’re all here to help you, not help you beat each other up.”
High conflict isn’t a deal-breaker for collaborative divorce, Dr Gaies says. Even if your divorce involves anger, personality clashes, personality disorders or financial complexity, the collaborative process can help. The team approach is designed to systematically lower the temperature in the room to contain conflict, calm emotions, and keep the process constructive.
As Gaies candidly puts it, “If you have a spouse who’s a jerk, you really want to be in a collaborative process, because you have a whole team of professionals who are going to manage your spouse so your spouse won’t behave like a jerk through the divorce process.
One of the biggest benefits of collaborative divorce? Its focus on shielding children from the harmful effects of conflict. The process encourages parents to co-create a stable, supportive environment for their kids, ensuring their needs come first. Everyone involved is asking: What can we all do to help the kids have the best path through this divorce?
Why It’s Different from Mediation
While both collaborative divorce and mediation aim for out-of-court solutions, collaborative divorce takes it a step further. Attorneys involved in the process commit to resolving issues without litigation, and they disqualify themselves from being involved if the case goes to court. They’re all-in on finding a solution everyone agrees to, which takes away the “what if we end up in court” mindset that can derail progress in mediation.
How to Find the Right Collaborative Attorney
While collaborative divorce has been around since the 1990s, many attorneys are still unfamiliar with it. Dr. Gaies suggests looking for someone with deep experience in collaborative law and a genuine commitment to the process. Take the time to ask any attorney you consider to share their attitudes and experience with you.
A Better Path Forward
Divorce doesn’t have to be a fight. Collaborative divorce offers hope: a kinder, more respectful way to handle even the toughest situations. Whether your divorce involves high conflict, complex finances, or protecting your children from harm, collaborative divorce could be the answer.
If you’re ready to explore a divorce that prioritizes peace, understanding, and your family’s well-being, this is a conversation you don’t want to miss. Listen to the whole thing here, in my podcast archive.