Get Going Guide (2026)
A clear roadmap from fog to focus in your divorce.
Introduction
Let's Get Going
Hi, I'm Corey Shapiro, a divorce attorney in New York City. If you're on this page, reading this, you've crossed a line that changes everything: you're no longer wondering if a divorce is coming. You know it is. Now, it's time to act.
This guide is part of the three-phase journey I walk through with clients. At each stage, you’ll have a specific goal to help you move forward:
Phase I: Get Clarity – Understand what's happening and what you want.
Phase II: Get Going – Take action and protect what matters.
Phase III: Get Your Life Back – Rebuild with confidence and peace.
If you're still in Phase I, check out my podcast and book, Getting Divorced Without Losing Your Mind. They're both designed to help you find your footing when everything feels like it's spinning.
What This Guide Is (and Why You Need It)
This guide covers Phase II, the stretch between deciding to divorce and your preliminary conference, the first official court appearance.
Why that particular slice of time? Because that’s where so many people get stuck. The confusion, the pressure, the emotional landmines—they’re all at peak intensity right there. But information calms anxiety. Knowing what's coming makes everything more manageable so you can breathe again, gather yourself, and feel confident as you step into the divorce.
My goal? To help you move faster through the legal maze so you can get to what really matters: your life after divorce.
I've packed this guide with everything I give my clients:
Written breakdowns of key steps and strategy.
Videos that break down each chapter.
Exhibits you can review at the end to see [samples of] the actual legal documents you’ll be using.
Use this material at your own pace. Skip around. Come back to it when you want more clarity. It’s here for you anytime you need it.
And remember: while this guide gives you a roadmap, you don't have to navigate it alone. If you're ready for support that's tailored to your situation, schedule an introductory call with me.
Just don’t wait for a “perfect” moment to begin. Let's get going now.
Where We Begin
We start with your goals and mindset. That’s Chapter 1: "Wanting or Resisting a Divorce."
It’s easy to think that your divorce is just about knowing and getting what you want legally. But just as important is how you want to feel when this is over. Drained and depleted? Or hopeful for yourself and your family and ready for the new shape your life will take? Decision by decision, you can steer toward the feeling you want and let it be your compass.
Stage I: Getting Ready
Step 1: The Driveway Decision (starting or resisting the divorce)
The very first decision in divorce has nothing to do with laws. It is emotional. Are you driving this choice, or being dragged into it? Are you meeting it with escalating panic and confusion or with measured steps? This single distinction shapes everything that follows. And if you have children, remember: they will carry the memory of how this began long after the paperwork is over.
Four Big Questions to Ask Yourself
Do I actually want this divorce?
If not, how much is it costing me to resist it?
What kind of divorce do I want?
What kind of life do I want next?
Two Types of Starts
Some divorces begin with a sudden change or announcement or discovery. There’s a crisis that feels like an emergency. Divorces that start this way are fast, reactive, and high shock value. You move because you feel you must, though that feeling is not always true.
Other divorces begin with a planned start. Planned starts are calmer, more respectful, and often save money, time, and conflict.
The Problems that Make People Consider Divorce
Couples’ problems usually fall into two categories. Seasonal problems are tied to circumstances like job loss, health scares, or midlife transitions. They feel heavy but can pass.
Structural problems are deeper mismatches in values or goals. These do not fade with time.
If You Are the One Who Wants the Divorce: Check Your Motivations
Before moving forward, pause. Ask yourself: Am I unhappy with the marriage, or with myself? Is this a terrible season that can pass or is it the new reality? Ask that the way you’d ask: Do I need a new job, or just a new manager? Is this thing broken beyond repair or does it need an overhaul?
Some people leave and thrive. Others leave and find the same dissatisfaction waiting on the other side. Clarity here matters. Would therapy or coaching bring clarity?
If You Are Resisting Divorce: Focus on What You Can Control
If you’re on the other side, being faced with a spouse who wants a divorce, here is the legal reality. In New York and most states, divorce is no-fault. If your spouse wants out, they can file. You do not need proof of wrongdoing.
Resisting does not usually stop a divorce, but it does make it more expensive and emotionally draining. So instead of resisting, you can pour your energy into shaping how the divorce unfolds. You can suggest couple’s therapy for closure. You can choose to preserve your dignity and the other person’s, especially for your children. And you can influence whether this process begins with aggression or with respect.
The Two Ways Divorce Usually Begins
The first is the legal fire-starter. A lawyer files papers for one party, and the other opposing party gets served. Sometimes this happens in very public or upsetting ways. It is fast, and it escalates conflict immediately.
The second way is more civil. Your lawyer can send a respectful letter by email, expressing the intent to proceed amicably. This gives the other person (and you) two to four weeks for reflection. If the letter is ignored, formal steps can follow, but you have set a tone of respect.
If no bombs have been lobbed, you can choose to be the one who files, and do it in a peaceful, carefully considered manner. Taking that step can be emotionally difficult to consider, but if you face up to the reality of wanting a divorce and let yourself be the one who sets it in motion, you have a chance to set the tone for the whole divorce process and to walk in carefully prepared.
Face Your New Reality Sooner Instead of Later
Think of it like an unpaid bill sitting on your counter. The longer you avoid opening it, the heavier it feels. By the time you finally face it, the cost has only grown. Divorce avoidance works the same way. Delay does not delay reality. It only increases the emotional and financial toll. That is why doing some groundwork before filing matters so much. Facing reality does not have to mean rushing into court. It can mean deciding, preparing, and thoughtfully shifting the status quo ahead of time. This preparation puts you in a stronger position when you do file, both mentally and emotionally, and it helps you move forward with more stability.
Small Habits to Put in Place Right Now
As you consider what you want to do, you’ll need help keeping your intentions clear and your mind calm. I highly recommend these three small practices, which you can start today and turn into centering habits.
Journal: Ask yourself: Am I choosing divorce, or reacting to it? Start journaling your answers at least five minutes a day. Write about whether your issues are seasonal or structural.
Use intentions: Create a daily intention, like “I want this process to be easy/easier on my kids.”
Cool off: Follow the twenty-four-hour rule when you start communicating with the other person. If a message of any kind (phone/text/email/letter) triggers you, wait a full day before responding. Draft the raw version, then refine it into something calmer and more respectful.
Summary and Takeaway
Unless there is an emergency, begin the divorce with a civil letter from your attorney that gives two to four weeks for reflection. Follow up once, then move forward if needed.
Building time and civility in from the beginning is not weakness. It is strategic leadership. It saves money, preserves relationships, and sets the right tone for your children and for yourself.
Step 2: Pick Your Route (Process options)
This choice shapes everything: your bank account, your stress level, how you will co-parent, and what your children remember about this time. Choose strategically, not emotionally.
Three Key Questions to Ground Yourself
What is the most strategic path forward for me, my kids, and my finances?
How much control do I want over the decisions ahead?
Who am I really dealing with, and what process fits that reality?
Control and Cost
The more cooperative the process, the more control you and your spouse keep. That only works if both people participate in good faith.
The more contentious the process, the more a judge takes control. That may be necessary when safety or fairness is at risk, but it comes with higher cost in time, money, and emotional energy.
Where do things stand right now?
We are both open to working together.
I am open, but my spouse may not be.
Communication is completely broken.
I honestly do not know yet.
Which Path Suits You?
Option 1: Mediation
Who steers the process: You and your spouse stay fully in control.
Best for: Couples who can still communicate respectfully and want to minimize cost and keep things private.
Potential cost: One couple resolved everything in six sessions for $4,500. A case that went to court would have cost five times more ($22,500).
Option 2: Collaborative Divorce
Who steers the process: Each of you has your own lawyer, but you both agree not to go to court.
Best for: Couples who need professional support, especially with complex finances or custody, but who still want a balanced, creative outcome.
Potential cost: Costs more than mediation but usually a fraction of the cost of litigation.
Option 3: Cooperative Attorneys
Who steers the process: Lawyers aim to reach a settlement, which is a mutual agreement on the terms of your divorce. At the same time, they are prepared to take the case to court if necessary.
Best for: People who are unsure whether their spouse will cooperate, or who want legal protection without immediately committing to a full courtroom battle.
How to think about it: This is like hiring a skilled problem-solver who is ready to fight if pushed.
Potential cost: If the other side hires a highly aggressive attorney, a cooperative lawyer may need to shift gears quickly. Without that adjustment, there is a risk of being overpowered.
Option 4: Litigation
Who steers the process: A judge makes the final decisions.
Best for: High-conflict situations such as cases involving abuse, hidden finances, or extreme power imbalances.
Potential cost: Litigation can pull the focus away from the family’s well-being. Attorneys working within the hourly model may be incentivized to compete rather than settle, which can increase both cost and conflict. Children can also be drawn into the process in ways that may feel damaging.
Reminder: Even if your case begins in court, judges often encourage or require mediation to resolve as many issues as possible before trial.
Your Choice Will Shape Your Whole Experience
Think of buying a car. You can negotiate at a dealership, buy directly from a private seller, or go to auction. Same car, completely different experience, cost, and level of stress. Divorce is the same way. The process you choose shapes the journey, not just the destination.
Which Process Are You Ready For as a Couple?
Rate each statement from 1 (strongly disagree) to 5 (strongly agree):
We can have tough conversations without yelling.
We both want what is best for our kids.
We are willing to be fair about money.
My spouse shares information when asked.
We can be in the same room without conflict.
My spouse negotiates in good faith.
Scoring:
24–30: Mediation or Collaborative may work well
18–23: Cooperative is likely best
12–17: A more structured approach may be needed
Below 12: Prepare for litigation
Red Flags That Require Protection
Domestic violence history.
Substance abuse.
Hidden finances.
Extreme positions on custody.
Refusal to communicate.
Threats or intimidation.
Severe mental health issues.
If more than one of these applies to your situation, it is important to speak with a lawyer who prioritizes safety and protection. Look for someone who will not only guide you through the divorce process but can also help you take immediate protective steps if needed. This could include filing for restraining orders, securing temporary custody arrangements, or taking legal action to freeze or uncover hidden assets.
A collaborative attorney who may not be the right fit in these circumstances. When safety, stability, or access to resources is at risk, you need an advocate who can be firm, proactive, and strategic. Collaboration may not be realistic when one party is unwilling, or unable, to engage in good faith.
Action Steps
Make your process choice within 30 days of deciding to divorce.
Document your decision and reasoning in writing. You will refer back to this when emotions run high.
Interview attorneys early. Ask: “How did you resolve your last five cases?” If they all ended at trial, that lawyer is a litigator. If most settled, they are settlement-focused.
Rate your case for both emotional heat and financial complexity, each on a scale of 1 to 10. This will clarify what level of support you may need.
Example: If substance abuse is involved, you might rate the emotional intensity as a 4. If that substance abuse is coupled with financial control or hidden money, the overall challenge could rise to an 8.
If your spouse resists negotiation, propose a 90-day diplomacy window. During this period, both of you commit to making a genuine effort at out-of-court solutions before moving toward litigation. You can involve attorneys or choose to negotiate without them, but the shared goal is to try in good faith before escalating to court.
Reality Check
Most people choose their process based on fear or anger. Choose yours based on your actual situation and long-term goals.
Summary and Takeaway
Start with diplomacy unless your safety or your children’s is at risk. You can always escalate later, but you cannot undo early damage to your bank account, your relationships, or your children’s sense of security if you come on strong with aggression, intimidation or lack of basic respect and head straight for court.
Step 3: Pre-Divorce Planning (Plan Before You File)
Courts base decisions on your family’s status quo. That means how you’ve been living, not how you say you want to live. Smart preparation requires describing and shaping that status quo authentically, before you file. Done well, it builds credibility. Done poorly, it looks manipulative and backfires.
What Status Quo Means Legally
Status quo is the baseline snapshot of your family life. Who pays the bills. Who handles bedtime. Who’s there for soccer practice or trips to the dentist. What the household expenses are. Courts lean heavily on these patterns when deciding custody and finances. If you’re looking to shift these patterns after the divorce, perhaps by taking more responsibility for the children or contributing less to the household budget, you’ll need to change the picture the court sees.
Common Pitfalls in Pre-Divorce Planning
Changing the status quo is possible, but only if you do it gradually and credibly. Here’s how people commonly go wrong, and what actually works in court.
1. Custody and Parenting Patterns
The trap: A parent who rarely handled day-to-day care suddenly demands 50/50 custody. Courts are skeptical.
The smart move: Building your parenting role authentically before filing. That means taking on school drop-offs, doctor visits, homework, or bedtime routines and sticking with it.
Why that matters: Courts value consistency. Continuity signals capability. Sudden involvement looks strategic.
2. Financial Positioning
The trap: Reducing income right before filing to lower support obligations. For instance: A marketing director earning $150K suddenly drops to part-time consulting at $60K just before filing. Courts will calculate support based on the $150K earning capacity, not the $60K paycheck.
The smart move: If you are changing jobs or scaling back, do it gradually, with documentation, and long before divorce is in view.
How to Make Credible Changes
Start early and move gradually
Keep documentation for all the changes you make.
Apply the objective observer test: if a judge looked back a year from now at the shifts you are making, would your actions appear reasonable or strategic/manipulative?
Credible changes look like this: career shifts made over time, lifestyle adjustments tied to real needs, and parenting routines established well before separation.
These are red flags: sudden income drops, last-minute job changes, hidden assets, or overnight parenting makeovers.
When Your Spouse Makes Strategic Moves
You may not be the one, or the only one, planning strategically for a divorce that hasn’t yet been filed. Pay attention if you see your spouse making a shift in your family’s status quo.
Signs it may be genuine: sustained, consistent involvement with the kids; steady presence at home over time.
Signs it may be strategic: sudden interest in parenting as the marriage unravels; new routines that contradict years of behavior.
Red Flag: Watch for sudden changes to the financial status quo. This could look like moving money around, altering medical insurance coverage, shifting who pays household expenses, or selling the marital home in a way that reduces your lifestyle.
Your smartest response: Document everything. If it is real, it will last. If it is tactical, it will fade after the divorce. Do not let years pass without raising concerns; courts treat new patterns as the new normal.
When Not to Plan Gradually
If there is domestic violence, substance abuse, or any safety concerns, do not wait. Skip gradual planning and consult an attorney immediately about protective measures.
Action Steps
Start immediately: Document current family routines and financial baselines.
Within 30 days: Secure your digital life. Update passwords, review shared accounts, and protect sensitive files.
Ongoing: Keep a parenting log of who attends appointments, school events, and daily care.
Before any major change: Apply the objective observer test. Would this look authentic or strategic in court?
Summary and Takeaway
Judges trust patterns, not promises. They believe consistent, documented behavior more than sudden changes. Build credibility over time through authentic action. Avoid last-minute shifts that look like strategy. Done right, pre-divorce planning protects your legal position and sets a foundation that serves your family’s real needs.
Stage II: Get Your Bearings
Step 4: Picking Your Right Attorney (Your Co-Pilot)
As you search for a lawyer to guide you, remember that you’re hiring judgment, not just legal knowledge. The right attorney keeps you steady, protects your credibility, and gets you to a settlement, unless real litigation is required.
Do You Need an Attorney Now?
Tools like ChatGPT can help you draft emails, organize documents, and understand terms. They cannot read a judge, enforce rules, or protect you in court. If children, safety, or significant assets are involved, don’t wait; get professional guidance.
Red Alert: Hire immediately if you face these:
Domestic violence or intimidation.
Hidden or rapidly shifting finances.
Emergency custody issues.
How Much Service Do You Need?
You can tap a whole spectrum of attorney services, so think about the resources you have for managing your divorce (time, money, emotional bandwidth, confidence) and how much you’re prepared to handle yourself.
Limited scope: You drive, they navigate. You’ll get strategy sessions, document review, or mediation coaching. You appear in court yourself, but you’ll be coached on what to expect and do.
Full representation: They drive, you focus on your life. Attorney handles all filings, negotiations, and court appearances.
Start with what fits now. You can always scale up if the case escalates.
What Attorney Style Do You Need?
Settlement Strategist: Negotiates first, escalates only when necessary. Keeps costs reasonable.
Trial Litigator: This pricey counselor is built for court battles. They’re usually at home in high-conflict cases, and unnecessary for most divorces.
Remember that more than 90% of cases settle. Choose someone skilled in resolution but credible in court if needed.
The Four Personality Types You’ll Meet
The Road Warrior: Treats every issue like a battle. Useful in unsafe or extreme cases, but exhausting otherwise.
The Single-Lane Driver: Fixates on one strategy. They’re great if they’re right, costly if they’re not.
The Strategic Driver (my style): Aims for settlement first, is firm when necessary. Keeps the case moving without escalation.
The Chauffeur: Elite, expensive, adaptable. Worth it in complex cases, overkill in simple ones.
You Like Them But Are You Compatible?
Before you hire someone, check the basics:
Do I feel heard and understood?
Do I understand their plan in plain language?
Do they lower my anxiety or raise it?
Can they handle my ex’s style?
Green Lights and Red Flags
Green Lights
This attorney:
.Explains both settlement and litigation paths.
Has a clear plan for the first 30–90 days.
Is transparent about fees and staffing.
Has a communication style that leaves you calmer, not more anxious.
Red Flags
This one:
Promises specific outcomes.
Only talks about fighting.
Cannot explain why they think your case will take X months or cost Y dollars.
Uses vague billing or heavy staffing without reason.
Makes you feel confused, pressured, or small.
Will It Kill My Case If I Change Attorneys?
It’s okay to switch once if you must. More than twice and it looks like you’re the problem. Do it early, never right before trial.
Smart approach: keep a settlement-focused attorney for negotiation, bring in trial counsel only if litigation becomes necessary.
This Week’s Action Plan
Book 2–3 consultations.
Ask: “How did your last five cases resolve?”
Compare: style, clarity, and cost transparency.
Decide within 14 days. Document your choice and why. You’ll refer back to these notes when things get hard.
Bottom Line
You’re not hiring a gladiator. You’re hiring a guide who can keep you calm, protect your interests, and get you where you need to go with your dignity intact.
Step 5: Read Your Legal Dashboard
Courts will decide your kids’ schedules, your financial obligations, and who keeps what assets. Understanding these three systems, kids, money, and property, keeps you from expensive surprises and bad decisions.
You don’t need to master every statute. But you do need to know what each gauge on your dashboard means so you can steer with confidence.
The Three Gauges of Divorce
Every case runs on three main gauges, usually in this order:
The Kids: where you assign custody, decide how you’ll make decisions for the children, and set up parenting time.
The Money: where you work out child support and spousal support.
The Property: where you divide assets and debts.
Kids: Their Best Interest Comes First
Judges apply one standard above all on the Kids Gauge: the child’s best interest.
What Courts Look For
Divorce is disruptive, and the courts want to minimize its effects on the children, so they want parents to show they can provide:
Stability that protects kids from constantly changing routines and home life.
The ability to manage conflict without harming the kids.
Reliability, so the children’s daily needs, school, meals, doctors get handled smoothly.
Custody Basics
Responsibility for the child’s care and wellbeing get divided up in two main arenas.
Legal custody: Who makes major decisions? (Often this is a joint responsibility unless safety is an issue.)
Parenting time: This takes the form of an actual schedule, it’s not just a 50/50 split on paper. Courts prioritize what works in practice.
Money Gauge: Where Support Amounts Come From
Child Support
A basic formula applies to combined parental income up to $183,000.
Above that: The judge decides amounts based on lifestyle and needs.
Amounts are updated every March 1 in even years.
Spousal Support (Maintenance)
A basic formula applies to the payor’s income up to $228,000.
Above that: The judge decides what will be paid based on marriage length, lifestyle, the recipient’s sacrifices and their earning capacity.
Taxes
Both child support and spousal support are tax-free to the recipient and non-deductible to the payor.
The Property Gauge: Fair, Not Always Equal
New York follows equitable distribution, fair division that is not necessarily 50/50.
Only Marital Property Will Be Divided
That encompasses:
Income earned during marriage.
Assets acquired during marriage (homes, cars, bank accounts, investments).
Retirement contributions during marriage.
Businesses created or grown during marriage.
Separate Property Is Not Divided
Separate property is considered to be:
Property owned before marriage.
Inheritances or gifts to one spouse.
Certain personal injury awards.
Property bought solely with separate funds.
Common Traps
The lines between separate and marital property can seem fuzzy, and couples often get tripped up by common practices and misconceptions. Three big ones:
Mixing funds: When separate money and marital money are combined, courts often treat the entire amount as marital property. To prove otherwise, you may need clear and convincing evidence that certain funds remained separate.
Mistaken belief: Title decides ownership. Whose name is on an account or deed does not automatically determine who owns it in divorce. For example, if an asset is in one spouse’s name but was acquired before the marriage, any increase in its value during the marriage may still be considered marital property.
Misunderstanding their interest in the marital home: A separate down payment can be reimbursed, but the house’s appreciation during the marriage is marital property.
What Judges Consider in Deciding How to Divide Property
The idea of what’s fair gets shaped by:
Both financial and non-financial contributions to the marriage.
Length of the marriage.
Wasteful spending or hiding of assets.
Practical needs (e.g., who keeps the home for children).
Special Situations
A few types of assets get (or require) special handling or are subject to their own rules:
LGBTQ+ parents: In some families, only one parent is automatically recognized as the legal parent (for example, the biological parent). The other parent may not have automatic legal rights, even if they have raised the child from birth. To protect both the parent–child relationship and custody rights in a divorce, it is often necessary to secure legal parentage through a process like second-parent adoption or a court order of parentage.
Pets: Ownership is decided under a “best interest” test, who actually cared for the pet, not just whose name is listed.
Social Security: After 10+ years of marriage, the lower earner may claim 50% of the ex’s benefit without reducing the ex’s benefit amount.
Quick Dashboard Recap
Custody = decided on the basis of the child’s best interest.
The state’s child support formula is in force up to $183K combined income.
The state’s spousal support formula applies up to $228K payor income.
Support = Federal tax-free to the recipient (for now).
Property = divided fairly, not always equally.
Judges weigh contributions, needs, and credibility.
Critical Reality Check: Formulas set baselines, but judges have broad discretion. Your behavior, credibility, and specific facts of your case can matter as much as the numbers.
Timing Note: Custody, support, and property decisions often take months, sometimes more than a year to finalize, depending on whether you settle or go through litigation.
Bottom Line
Your legal dashboard is not a full repair manual. It is more like a set of gauges that show you where you stand. When you understand how kids, money, and property are measured, you can make smarter choices, avoid costly detours, and move forward with clarity and dignity. For example, if there are no children and both spouses can support themselves, the only gauge you may need to focus on is dividing property.
Step 6: Discovery and Financial Disclosure
Discovery and Financial Disclosure
Judges don’t decide cases on stories; they decide them on evidence. Discovery is how you lift the hood and see the real financial picture: what’s earned, what’s spent, what’s owned, and what might be hidden.
Without discovery, you’re driving blind. With it, you gain the clarity to negotiate fairly and the credibility to prove your case if needed.
Why Discovery Matters
Discovery answers the financial questions that matter:
Are assets hidden?
Do expenses match income?
Is someone underemployed?
Have there been suspicious transfers or purchases?
It can feel tedious to comb through numbers, but it’s how you turn guesses into facts, and facts into fair outcomes.
Two Approaches
Informal Discovery
The two sides voluntarily exchange documents. This works when both sides cooperate and finances are straightforward.
Think: “Let’s both put our cards on the table.”
It’s common in mediation and collaborative divorce.
It’s the faster, cheaper, and less stressful approach.
Formal Discovery
This court-backed process is used when cooperation fails or finances are complex.
Tools include:
Document Requests (D&I): Enforceable demands for records. Each side must comply.
Depositions: In-person questioning under oath.
Subpoenas: These orders compel banks, employers, or third parties to release documents.
Interrogatories: These are written questions (less revealing, but sometimes useful).
The Core Document: Statement of Net Worth
Every divorce requires this sworn disclosure. It includes:
Monthly expenses and income sources.
Assets (real estate, investments, retirement accounts).
Debts (credit cards, loans, mortgages),
Family and household budgets and records of expenses.
Three years of financial records (tax returns, bank statements, transfers).
This becomes the foundation for child support, spousal support, and property division.
When Basic Disclosure Isn’t Enough
You’ll need formal discovery in cases involving:
Business Complexity
When a spouse owns or controls a business.
When income can be shifted, delayed, or hidden.
Earning Capacity Issues
When a spouse is underemployed by choice.
When they could reasonably earn more but aren’t.
When degrees or licenses suggest higher earning potential.
Asset Valuation
Real estate, retirement accounts, or investments need appraisal.
High-value personal property requires expert assessment.
Suspicious Activity
When lifestyle doesn’t match reported income.
When there are unexplained transfers or large purchases.
When records are missing or incomplete.
When one spouse controls all finances and refuses access
Safety Note
If your spouse controls all the money and won’t share records, this may require immediate legal intervention. Please don’t wait for them to cooperate voluntarily; delays only strengthen their position.
Strategy: Start Small, Escalate If Needed
Day 0–30: Request a voluntary document exchange
Day 30–45: If responses are incomplete, send one follow-up request
Day 60+: No cooperation? Move to formal discovery
Cost Reality Check
Informal exchange: typically you’ll just pay your attorney to review documents. (Cost: hundreds, not thousands).
Formal discovery: Especially if experts or depositions are involved, costs will often range from thousands to tens of thousands of dollars.
Timeline Expectations
Straightforward cases: Plan for 2–4 months.
Complex cases (business, multiple properties, hidden assets): Expect discovery to take 6+ months, sometimes a year or more.
Common Pitfalls
Where discovery goes wrong:
You accept incomplete responses without follow-up.
You miss deadlines and letting delays drag on.
You spend more on discovery than the disputed assets justify.
Where discovery goes right:
Your requests are targeted and specific.
You flag missing information quickly.
You weigh costs against potential payoff.
You use experts when complexity requires it.
Why the Discovery Step Matters
Discovery isn’t just paperwork. It’s how you:
Understand your household’s financial reality.
Negotiate from strength, not fear.
Walk into court credible and prepared.
And here’s a crucial point: if discovery uncovers hidden assets or unreported income, it can dramatically change your settlement. Courts often penalize concealment, which means the stakes are high for both sides.
Key Takeaway
Discovery isn’t about catching your spouse in lies, it’s about having facts when you need to make the biggest financial decisions of your life.
Do it right, and you’ll have clarity, credibility, and confidence for every decision that follows.
Stage III: Move Forward
Step 7: Negotiate and Draft Agreement
Who Decides: You or the Judge?
Settlement or court? This choice determines whether you keep control of your divorce outcome or hand it to a judge. Settlement usually means lower cost, faster timelines, and more privacy. Litigation means structure, deadlines, and decisions made for you.
Here’s how to navigate that choice strategically.
Two Roads: Scenic vs. Highway with Traffic
Settlement (Scenic Route)
You control the pace and the stops.
Flexible, private, and tailored to your family’s needs.
Typical timeline: 3–6 months once information is exchanged.
Litigation (Highway with Traffic)
Court process with judges making decisions when you can’t.
Structured but congested—delays, costs, and public record.
Typical timeline: 1–3 years, sometimes longer.
Most families end up using both routes—starting with settlement, dipping into court for structure, then returning to negotiation. That’s not failure. That’s strategy.
Two Types of Complexity
Emotional complexity – Can you communicate? Is trust broken? Are emotions running hot?
Financial complexity – Are there businesses, hidden income, or complicated assets?
Reality check: Most divorces are emotionally complex, not financially complex. Once trust issues settle and major assets are valued, settlement usually makes more sense than litigation.
The 90% Rule
You don’t need every detail before you start negotiating. If you have:
A clear picture of income and expenses.
Valuations of major assets.
Enough emotional readiness to compromise.
…you’re ready. Waiting for perfection often causes delay without changing the outcome.
Anchoring in Negotiation
Negotiation is bargaining. The first position shapes the conversation. Use it wisely.
Parenting Example
If your goal is 40% of parenting time, starting with 50% creates space to compromise while protecting meaningful time with your kids.
Support Example
If you’d accept $2,000/month in spousal support, starting at $2,800 leaves room to land closer to your target.
Anchoring isn’t manipulation; it’s smart framing.
What Settlement Looks Like
A typical negotiation meeting:
Attorneys (or mediator) set the agenda.
Each side presents proposals.
Proposals get refined through discussion.
Agreements are written down, even if partial.
How to prepare:
Know your non-negotiables.
List your “nice to haves”.
Bring recent financial documents.
Practice calm communication.
Reality check: Even successful negotiations feel uncomfortable. Compromise means neither side gets everything they want—and that’s normal.
Warning Signs Negotiation Isn’t Working
Your spouse withholds information.
Discussions stall with no movement.
Positions are extreme or all-or-nothing.
One side is clearly acting in bad faith.
When these appear, court provides structure, deadlines, and enforceable orders.
Role of Experts in Settlement
Sometimes experts keep settlement on track:
Parenting coordinators: smooth custody disputes.
Child specialists: focus decisions on kids’ needs.
Financial neutrals: clarify income, assets, or business value.
Communication coaches: prevent emotional derailments.
Experts cost money but often save far more by avoiding litigation.
Key Takeaways
Settlement is faster, cheaper, and more private—make it your first lane.
Litigation is the fallback when the other side won’t cooperate.
90% information + preparation is enough—don’t wait for perfection before negotiating.
Anchoring and compromise matter—set realistic openings, know your bottom lines, and expect discomfort.
Bottom Line: Negotiation keeps control in your hands. Litigation puts it in a judge’s. Start with settlement, use court only when necessary, and treat both as tools to move your case forward.
Step 8: Divorce Emergencies
When You Need Court Help—Now
Most divorce issues can be negotiated. But sometimes you can’t wait. If your spouse cuts off support, blocks access to your kids, threatens safety, or drains accounts, you may need an emergency application (called an Order to Show Cause).
Reality check: Emergency applications escalate conflict. Use them only when waiting would cause real harm.
Before You File
Gather documentation: bank records, texts, emails, calendars.
Try one last negotiation attempt (unless safety is at risk).
Prepare for escalation: filing usually raises the temperature.
Where to File
Supreme Court – Main divorce court. Use for most emergency requests during divorce (support, custody, assets).
Family Court – Faster for safety issues. Best for immediate orders of protection.
What Counts as an Emergency
Custody interference or denial of parenting time.
Sudden cut-off of financial support.
Domestic violence, harassment, or intimidation.
Draining bank accounts, hiding or selling property.
Major disruption of children’s routines or family finances.
Common Emergency Applications
Temporary custody or parenting time orders.
Orders of protection (safety-related).
Temporary child support or spousal support.
Asset freeze or preservation orders.
Timeline expectations:
Most hearings happen within 1–2 weeks.
True emergencies (safety-related) can be heard within 24–48 hours.
Temporary orders usually last until the case resolves or another judge modifies them.
What Goes Into an Emergency Application
Your affidavit: Clear, factual account in your own words.
Attorney’s legal papers: Explain the law and show authority.
Supporting evidence: Financial records, texts, emails, expert reports if needed.
Tip: Stick to relevant facts tied directly to your request. Judges see through exaggeration.
Strategic Considerations
Leverage Point: Temporary orders often shape final outcomes. A custody schedule or support award set now may become the “new normal.”
Other factors:
Attorney-intensive: These motions require significant time and resources.
Timing matters: Judges dislike overuse; save for real emergencies.
Alternatives exist: Some judges allow quick informal conferences before formal filings.
What Happens Next
Filing: Papers submitted to court.
Return date: Judge sets a conference date.
Response: Spouse files opposition papers, sometimes with a cross-request.
Decision: Judge may rule immediately or issue a written order later which we call reserving decision.
Practical Tips
Stay credible: judges value facts over outrage.
Keep it focused: avoid unrelated marital grievances.
Plan ahead: use temporary relief to stabilize and create leverage for settlement.
Key Takeaways
Emergency applications are for serious, time-sensitive risks, not everyday disputes
They provide temporary relief that often influences final outcomes.
Filing will escalate the conflict; be prepared.
Credibility, documentation, and focus are what judges respect.
Bottom Line: Emergency applications are a precision tool. Done right, they protect kids, safety, and finances while creating leverage for settlement. Done poorly, they burn credibility, cost money, and stall progress.
Step 9: The Preliminary Conference
Your First Day in Court
The Preliminary Conference (PC) is your official entry into having the court supervise your case. It’s not a trial, it’s the judge saying: “You couldn’t settle privately, so now I’m going to keep you moving forward.”
Timeline: The PC usually happens 2–4 months after filing, once the initial paperwork is in.
Why the Preliminary Conference Matters
It creates momentum when private talks stall.
It imposes structure with deadlines for exchanging information.
It applies pressure on you to work things out, judges often push for early settlement.
It establishes your credibility, the first impressions you make at this conference last the whole case.
Reality check: Most preliminary conferences don’t resolve cases immediately, but they set the framework and create the pressure that lead to eventual settlement.
What Happens at the Conference
These are the terms you’ll hear and the steps you’ll move through during the conference:
Case overview: Attorneys outline the main issues, custody, support, property.
Discovery schedule: Judge sets deadlines for tax returns, bank statements, appraisals, etc. to be submitted.
Settlement check: Judge may ask questions to test whether there’s room for agreement now.
Next steps: The court will schedule compliance or settlement conferences. During this stage, the focus is on finishing discovery, which means exchanging all required information and documents. If the case cannot be resolved through settlement, the next step is preparing for trial.
Duration: A PC typically lasts 1–2 hours, but plan for half a day.
How to Prepare
Arrive at least 1 hour early: security lines are unpredictable, and lateness damages credibility immediately.
Bring essentials: water, snacks, patience; much of the time is spent waiting.
Prepare paperwork: your Statement of Net Worth must be accurate and complete.
Coordinate with your attorney: Be clear on your priorities, what you are willing to negotiate, and which issues are off-limits in court. Remember that the court’s focus is narrower than what parties can work out in negotiation. For example, if you are concerned about your child’s nutrition, the court is unlikely to order changes unless there is a clear and immediate health risk. That type of issue may be better addressed in negotiation rather than litigation.
Understand that Kids Come First
If custody or parenting time is unresolved, judges make them a top priority. The court may appoint:
An attorney for the child: to represent the child’s interests.
A parenting coordinator: to help with communication and logistics.
A forensic evaluation: to perform psychological/parenting assessments for high-conflict cases (these are expensive and can be months-long).
The court will decide who pays for these appointments. In most cases, the cost is divided between the parties in proportion to their incomes, although the judge can adjust that allocation at trial if needed.
Tip: Keep discussions of the issues concerning kids out of the courtroom process whenever possible.
Understand that You’ll Put Your Finances on the Table
The PC sets the roadmap for financial issues. That map will be the basis for decisions about:
Spousal support (maintenance): temporary and long-term.
Child support: this is formula-driven with some discretion.
Property division: identifying, valuing, and dividing assets.
Legal fees: whether one spouse should help cover attorney costs.
Expect to provide at least 3 years of financial records through formal disclosure (tax returns, bank accounts, investments, property).
Strategic Opportunities
Be aware of leverage points: Temporary orders often become the “new normal.” A custody schedule or support award set here may heavily influence the final outcome.
Other considerations:
Be reasonable: judges spot extreme positions quickly.
Use deadlines to your advantage: meet yours, and track whether your spouse misses theirs.
Think in terms of partial settlements: agree on what you can now to shrink the fight later.
What Comes After the PC
Compliance conferences: to enforce deadlines and track discovery.
Settlement conferences: where judges push you toward agreement.
Pre-trial conference: a final narrowing of unresolved issues.
Trial: where the judge’s decisions resolve what’s left.
Key Takeaways
Prepare thoroughly: credibility established here affects your entire case.
Show reasonableness: extreme positions backfire immediately.
Take temporary orders seriously: they often stick and shape the final deal.
Use the PC as momentum: it sets deadlines and pressure that drive progress.
Bottom Line: The Preliminary Conference is where the court takes the wheel to keep your case moving. Show up prepared, credible, and open to settlement. Done right, it builds momentum toward resolution. Done poorly, it sets you on a longer, costlier path.
Final Thoughts
You’ve made it through the fundamentals. You understand the legal landscape, your process options, and the roadmap ahead. But here’s the truth, and no guide can sugarcoat it: Divorce rarely goes according to plan.
Mike Tyson said it best: “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.” And divorce is full of punches. The judge you thought would be even-handed has strong opinions that cut against you. Discovery turns up surprises you didn’t see coming. A process you thought would take months drags into years.
When the surprises pile up, one question matters more than any other:
Is it worth it?
Is it worth $5,000 in legal fees to fight over $3,000 in property?
Is it worth another six months of stress to win on one scheduling detail?
Only you can answer. Only you know what matters most for your future, and for your children, if you have them. And only you know how you want to feel when this is all over and you’re facing your new life.
Think Beyond Divorce
The process you’ve stepped into isn’t only about ending a marriage. It’s about shaping what comes next. Every decision, everything you fight for and everything you release, affects the quality of your life and your future:
If you have kids, your choices will color the next several years of co-parenting, holidays, school events, and milestones.
If you don’t have children, you’ll be determining the way you’ll feel about this chapter when you look back. Did you preserve your dignity and position yourself to move forward? Or did you make some other choice?
Your divorce is temporary. But the way you handle it will shape your future relationships, your finances, and your peace of mind.
What Getting Going Really Means
This guide gives you a basic foundation for making informed choices, but getting going isn’t just about legal strategy. It’s about:
Staying flexible while protecting what matters most.
Knowing when to fight and when to let go.
Accepting that delays and surprises are part of the process.
Keeping long-term stability in focus, not just short-term wins.
That can be difficult when you’re in the middle of loss, uncertainty and major life change. Every case is unique, and every divorcing person is different. Sometimes situations demand more than general advice.
Consider seeking professional guidance when you’re facing:
Complex finances that need expert review
High-conflict dynamics where emotions derail progress
Stalled negotiations that need new strategy
Big-picture questions about what’s worth fighting for.
An attorney can look at the particulars of your case and help you get a clear overview of your situation.
Your Next Steps
Ground yourself in reality: Surprises will come. Plan for them.
Focus on what matters: Not every battle is worth the fight.
Stay flexible: Adjust as circumstances change.
Protect your long-term interests: Think beyond divorce to the life you’re building.
Seek support when needed: You don’t have to navigate this alone.
The Bottom Line
Divorce is hard and unpredictable. But with clear thinking and the right support, you can navigate it with your dignity intact and your future secure.
You’ve got the essentials. You’re ready to get going.
The only question now is: What comes next for you?