Get Going Guide (2025)
From Start to Preliminary Conference
Introduction
Let's Get Going
Hi, I'm Corey Shapiro, a divorce attorney in New York City. If you're here, you've crossed a line that changes everything: you're no longer wondering if divorce is happening. You know it is. Now, it's time to move.
This guide is part of the three-phase journey I walk through with clients:
Phase I: Get Clarity – Understand what's happening and what you want.
Phase II: Get Going – Take action and protect what matters.
Phase III: Get Your Life Back – Rebuild with confidence and peace.
If you're still in Phase I, check out my podcast and book, Getting Divorced Without Losing Your Mind. They're both designed to help you find your footing when everything feels like it's spinning.
What This Guide Is (and Why You Need It)
This guide covers the stretch between deciding to divorce and your preliminary conference, the first official court appearance.
Why does that matter? Because this is where many people get stuck. The confusion, the pressure, the emotional landmines. But information calms anxiety. Knowing what's coming makes everything more manageable.
My goal? To help you move faster through the legal maze so you can get to what really matters: your life after divorce.
What's Inside
I've packed this guide with everything I give my clients:
Written breakdowns of key steps and strategy
Videos that break down each chapter
Exhibits you can review at the end to see the actual legal documents
Use it at your own pace. Skip around. Come back to it when you need to.
Where We Begin
We start with your goals and mindset, specifically Chapter 1: "Wanting or Resisting a Divorce."
It's not just about what you want legally. It's about how you want to feel when this is over.
And remember: while this guide gives you a roadmap, you don't have to navigate it alone. If you're ready for support that's tailored to your situation, schedule an introductory call with me.
Let's get going.
Stage I: Get Ready - Goals and Strategic Planning
Step 1: The Driveway Decision (starting or resisting the divorce)
The very first decision in divorce is not legal. It is emotional. Are you driving this choice, or being dragged into it? This single distinction shapes everything that follows. And if you have children, remember: they will carry the memory of how this began long after the paperwork is over.
Three Big Questions to Ask Yourself
Do I actually want this divorce?
If not, what is resisting it really costing me?
What kind of divorce, and what kind of life, do I want next?
Two Types of Starts
Some divorces begin with a sudden start. These happen in emergencies. They are fast, reactive, and high shock value. You move because you feel you must.
Others begin with a planned start. Planned starts are calmer, more respectful, and often save money, time, and conflict.
Why People Consider Divorce
Problems usually fall into two categories. Seasonal problems are tied to circumstances like job loss, health scares, or midlife transitions. They feel heavy but can pass.
Structural problems are deeper mismatches in values or goals. These do not fade with time.
Here is the legal reality. In New York and most states, divorce is no-fault. If your spouse wants out, they can file. You do not need proof of wrongdoing. Resisting does not usually stop a divorce, but it does make it more expensive and emotionally draining.
If You Are Wanting Divorce: Check Your Motivations
Before moving forward, pause. Ask yourself: Am I unhappy with the marriage, or with myself? Is this like needing a new job, or just a new manager? Would therapy or coaching bring clarity?
Some people leave and thrive. Others leave and find the same dissatisfaction waiting. Clarity here matters.
If You Are Resisting Divorce: Focus on What You Can Control
You cannot stop a no-fault divorce, but you can shape how it unfolds. You can suggest couples therapy for closure. You can choose to preserve dignity, especially for your children. And you can influence whether this process begins with aggression or with respect.
The Two Ways Divorce Usually Begins
The first is the legal firestarter. A lawyer files papers, and you get served. Sometimes this happens in very public or upsetting ways. It is fast, and it escalates conflict immediately.
The second way is more civil. Your lawyer can send a respectful letter by email, expressing the intent to proceed amicably. This gives two to four weeks for reflection. If ignored, formal steps can follow, but you have set a tone of respect.
The Power of Small Habits Right Now
Start journaling for at least five minutes a day. Ask: am I choosing divorce, or reacting to it? Write about whether your issues are seasonal or structural.
Create a daily intention, like “I want this process to be easier on my kids.”
Follow the twenty-four-hour rule. When triggered by a message, wait a full day before responding. Draft the raw version, then refine it into something calmer and more respectful.
A Quick Example
Think of a bill you ignore. The longer you avoid it, the worse it feels when you finally open it. Divorce avoidance works the same way. Delay does not delay reality. It only raises the cost emotionally and financially.
Summary and Takeaway
Unless there is an emergency, begin with a civil letter from your attorney that gives two to four weeks for reflection. Follow up once, then move forward if needed.
This is not weakness. It is strategic leadership. It saves money, preserves relationships, and sets the right tone for your children and for yourself.
Step 2: Pick Your Route (Process options)
This choice shapes everything: your bank account, your stress level, how you will co-parent, and what your children remember about this time. Choose strategically, not emotionally.
Three Key Questions to Ground Yourself
What is the most strategic path forward for me, my kids, and my finances?
How much control do I want over the decisions ahead?
Who am I really dealing with, and what process fits that reality?
Control and Cost
The more cooperative the process, the more control you and your spouse keep. That only works if both people participate in good faith.
The more contentious the process, the more a judge takes control. That may be necessary when safety or fairness is at risk, but it comes with higher cost in time, money, and emotional energy.
Ask yourself where things stand right now.
We are both open to working together
I am open, but my spouse may not be
Communication is completely broken
I honestly do not know yet
Choosing Your Process
Option 1: Mediation
Key difference: You and your spouse stay fully in control.
Best for couples who can still communicate respectfully and want to minimize cost and keep things private.
Example: One couple resolved everything in six sessions for $4,500. A contested case would have cost five times more.
Option 2: Collaborative Divorce
Key difference: Each of you has your own lawyer, but you both agree not to go to court.
Best for couples who need professional support, especially with complex finances or custody, but who still want a balanced, creative outcome.
Costs more than mediation but usually 40 to 60 percent less than litigation.
Option 3: Cooperative Attorneys
Key difference: Lawyers focus on settlement but are ready for court if necessary.
Best for people unsure about their spouse’s willingness to cooperate, or who need legal backup without committing to a full legal battle.
Think of this as hiring a problem-solver who can fight if pushed.
Option 4: Litigation
Key difference: A judge makes the final calls.
Best for high-conflict cases involving abuse, hidden finances, or extreme power imbalances.
Reminder: Even if you begin in court, judges often push cases back into mediation to resolve most issues.
A Quick Example About Process Choice
Think of buying a car. You can negotiate at a dealership, buy directly from a private seller, or go to auction. Same car, completely different experience, cost, and level of stress. Divorce is the same way. The process you choose shapes the journey, not just the destination.
Divorce Process Readiness Assessment
Rate each statement from 1 (strongly disagree) to 5 (strongly agree):
We can have tough conversations without yelling.
We both want what is best for our kids.
We are willing to be fair about money.
My spouse shares information when asked.
We can be in the same room without conflict.
My spouse negotiates in good faith.
Scoring:
24–30: Mediation or Collaborative may work well
18–23: Cooperative is likely best
12–17: A more structured approach may be needed
Below 12: Prepare for litigation
Red Flags That Require Protection
Domestic violence history
Substance abuse
Hidden finances
Extreme positions on custody
Refusal to communicate
Threats or intimidation
Severe mental health issues
If you checked more than one, talk with a lawyer who prioritizes safety and protection. Collaboration may not be realistic.
Action Steps
Make your process choice within 30 days of deciding to divorce.
Document your decision and reasoning in writing. You will refer back to this when emotions run high.
Interview attorneys early. Ask: “How did you resolve your last five cases?” If they all ended at trial, that lawyer is a litigator. If most settled, they are settlement-focused.
Rate your case for both emotional heat and financial complexity, each on a scale of 1 to 10. This will clarify what level of support you may need.
If your spouse resists negotiation, suggest a 90-day diplomacy window. Commit together to trying out-of-court solutions before escalating.
Reality Check
Most people choose their process based on fear or anger. Choose based on your actual situation and long-term goals.
Summary and Takeaway
Start with diplomacy unless safety is at risk. You can always escalate later, but you cannot undo early damage to your bank account, your relationships, or your children’s sense of security.
Would you like me to also build in the local roads vs. interstate analogy here as a quick framing at the start of “Choosing Your Process,” or keep it cleaner like this so the focus stays on the four clear options?
Step 3: Pre-Divorce Planning (Plan Before You File)
Courts base decisions on your family’s status quo; how you’ve been living, not how you say you want to live. Smart preparation means shaping that status quo authentically, before you file. Done well, it builds credibility. Done poorly, it looks manipulative and backfires.
What Status Quo Means Legally
Status quo is the baseline snapshot of your family life. Who pays the bills. Who handles bedtime. What the household expenses are. Courts lean heavily on these patterns when deciding custody and finances. Changing them is possible, but only if you do it gradually and credibly.
The Two Pillars of Pre-Divorce Planning
1. Custody and Parenting Patterns
The trap: A parent who rarely handled day-to-day care suddenly demands 50/50 custody. Courts are skeptical.
The smart move: Build your parenting role authentically before filing. That means taking on school drop-offs, doctor visits, homework, or bedtime routines — and sticking with it.
hat matters: Courts value consistency. Continuity signals capability. Sudden involvement looks strategic.
2. Financial Positioning
The trap: Reducing income right before filing to lower support obligations.
The smart move: If you are changing jobs or scaling back, do it gradually, with documentation, and long before divorce is in view.
Example: A marketing director earning $150K suddenly drops to part-time consulting at $60K just before filing. Courts will calculate support based on the $150K earning capacity, not the $60K paycheck.
How to Make Credible Changes
Start early and move gradually
Keep documentation for all changes
Apply the objective observer test: if a judge looked back a year from now, would this decision appear reasonable or strategic?
Credible changes: career shifts made over time, lifestyle adjustments tied to real needs, and parenting routines established well before separation.
Red flags: sudden income drops, last-minute job changes, hidden assets, or overnight parenting makeovers.
When Your Spouse Makes Strategic Moves
Signs it may be genuine: sustained, consistent involvement with the kids; steady presence at home over time.
Signs it may be strategic: sudden interest in parenting as the marriage unravels; new routines that contradict years of behavior.
Your response: Document everything. If it is real, it will last. If it is tactical, it will fade after the divorce. Do not let years pass without raising concerns; courts treat new patterns as the new normal.
When Not to Plan Gradually
If there is domestic violence, substance abuse, or any safety concerns, do not wait. Skip gradual planning and consult an attorney immediately about protective measures.
Action Steps
Start immediately: Document current family routines and financial baselines.
Within 30 days: Secure your digital life. Update passwords, review shared accounts, and protect sensitive files.
Ongoing: Keep a parenting log of who attends appointments, school events, and daily care.
Before any major change: Apply the objective observer test. Would this look authentic or strategic in court?
Summary and Takeaway
Judges trust patterns, not promises. They believe consistent, documented behavior more than sudden changes. Build credibility over time through authentic action. Avoid last-minute shifts that look like strategy. Done right, pre-divorce planning protects your legal position and sets a foundation that serves your family’s real needs.
Stage II: Get Your Bearings
Step 4: Picking Your Right Attorney (Your Co-Pilot)
You’re hiring judgment, not just legal knowledge. The right attorney keeps you steady, protects your credibility, and gets you to a settlement, unless real litigation is required.
Do You Need an Attorney Now?
Tools like ChatGPT can help you draft emails, organize documents, and understand terms. They cannot read a judge, enforce rules, or protect you in court. If children, safety, or significant assets are involved, don’t wait; get professional guidance.
Red Alert: Hire immediately if you face
Domestic violence or intimidation
Hidden or rapidly shifting finances
Emergency custody issues
Service Options
Limited scope: You drive, they navigate. Strategy sessions, document review, or mediation coaching. You appear in court yourself.
Full representation: They drive, you focus on your life. Attorney handles all filings, negotiations, and court appearances.
Start with what fits now. You can always scale up if the case escalates.
Attorney Styles
Settlement Strategist – Negotiates first, escalates only when necessary. Keeps costs reasonable.
Trial Litigator – Built for court battles. Usually, at home in high-conflict cases, it is unnecessary for most divorces.
Over 90% of cases settle. Choose someone skilled in resolution but credible in court if needed.
Four Personality Types You’ll Meet
The Road Warrior – Treats every issue like a battle. Useful in unsafe or extreme cases, exhausting otherwise.
The Single-Lane Driver – Fixates on one strategy. Great if they’re right, costly if they’re not.
The Strategic Driver (my style) – Settlement first, firm when necessary. Keeps the case moving without escalation.
The Chauffeur – Elite, expensive, adaptable. Worth it in complex cases, overkill in simple ones.
Compatibility Test
Before you hire, check the basics:
Do I feel heard and understood?
Do I understand their plan in plain language?
Do they lower my anxiety or raise it?
Can they handle my ex’s style?
Green Lights and Red Flags
Green Lights
Explains both settlement and litigation paths
Clear plan for the first 30–90 days
Transparent about fees and staffing
Communication leaves you calmer, not more anxious
Red Flags
Promises specific outcomes
Only talks about fighting
Cannot explain why they think your case will take X months or cost Y dollars
Vague billing or heavy staffing without reason
Makes you feel confused, pressured, or small
Switching Attorneys
It’s okay to switch once if you must. More than twice and it looks like you’re the problem. Do it early, never right before trial.
Smart approach: keep a settlement-focused attorney for negotiation, bring in trial counsel only if litigation becomes necessary.
This Week’s Action Plan
Book 2–3 consultations.
Ask: “How did your last five cases resolve?”
Compare: style, clarity, and cost transparency.
Decide within 14 days. Document your choice and why, you’ll refer back when things get hard.
Bottom Line
You’re not hiring a gladiator. You’re hiring a guide who can keep you calm, protect your interests, and get you where you need to go with your dignity intact.
Step 5: Read Your Legal Dashboard
Courts will decide your kids’ schedules, your financial obligations, and who keeps what assets. Understanding these three systems, kids, money, and property, keeps you from expensive surprises and bad decisions.
You don’t need to master every statute. But you do need to know what each gauge on your dashboard means so you can steer with confidence.
The Three Highways of Divorce
Every case runs on three main highways, usually in this order:
Kids Highway – custody, decision-making, parenting time
Money Highway – child support and spousal support
Property Highway – dividing assets and debts
Kids Highway: Best Interest Comes First
Judges apply one standard above all: the child’s best interest.
What Courts Look For
Stability of routines and home life
Ability to manage conflict without harming the kids
Reliability in handling daily needs, school, meals, doctors
Custody Basics
Legal custody: Who makes major decisions (often joint unless safety is an issue)
Parenting time: The actual schedule. Not just a 50/50 split on paper, courts prioritize what works in practice.
Money Highway: Support Rules
Child Support
Formula applies to combined parental income up to $183,000
Above that: judge decides based on lifestyle and needs
Updated every March 1 of even years
Spousal Support (Maintenance)
Formula applies to payor income up to $228,000
Above that: judge decides based on marriage length, lifestyle, sacrifices, earning capacity
Taxes
Both child support and spousal support are tax-free to the recipient and non-deductible to the payor
Property Highway: Fair, Not Always Equal
New York follows equitable distribution, fair division, not necessarily 50/50.
Marital Property (divided)
Income earned during marriage
Assets acquired during marriage (homes, cars, bank accounts, investments)
Retirement contributions during marriage
Businesses created or grown during marriage
Separate Property (not divided)
Property owned before marriage
Inheritances or gifts to one spouse
Certain personal injury awards
Property bought solely with separate funds
Common Traps
Mixing funds: When separate and marital money are combined, courts usually treat it all as marital property
Title doesn’t control: Whose name is on the account or deed doesn’t decide ownership
Marital home: A separate down payment can be reimbursed, but appreciation during the marriage is marital
What Judges Consider
Both financial and non-financial contributions
Length of the marriage
Wasteful spending or hiding assets
Practical needs (e.g., who keeps the home for children)
Special Situations
LGBTQ+ parents: Secure legal parentage (often through second-parent adoption)
Pets: Decided under a “best interest” test, who actually cared for the pet, not just whose name is listed
Social Security: After 10+ years of marriage, the lower earner may claim 50% of the ex’s benefit without reducing the ex’s
Quick Dashboard Recap
Custody = child’s best interest
Child support formula up to $183K combined income
Spousal support formula up to $228K payor income
Support = tax-free to recipient
Property = divided fairly, not always equally
Judges weigh contributions, needs, and credibility
Critical Reality Check: Formulas set baselines, but judges have broad discretion. Your behavior, credibility, and specific facts can matter as much as the numbers.
Timing Note: Custody, support, and property decisions often take months, sometimes more than a year, depending on whether you settle or go through litigation.
Bottom Line
Your legal dashboard isn’t the full repair manual, it’s the gauges that tell you where you stand. If you understand how kids, money, and property are assessed, you can make better choices, avoid costly detours, and move forward with clarity and dignity.
Step 6: Discovery and Financial Disclosure
Discovery and Financial Disclosure
Judges don’t decide cases on stories; they decide them on evidence. Discovery is how you lift the hood and see the real financial picture: what’s earned, what’s spent, what’s owned, and what might be hidden.
Without it, you’re driving blind. With it, you gain the clarity to negotiate fairly and the credibility to prove your case if needed.
Why Discovery Matters
Discovery answers the questions that matter:
Are assets hidden?
Do expenses match income?
Is someone underemployed?
Have there been suspicious transfers or purchases?
It can feel tedious, but it’s how you turn guesses into facts, and facts into fair outcomes.
Two Approaches
Informal Discovery
Voluntary document exchange. Works when both sides cooperate and finances are straightforward.
Think: “Let’s both put our cards on the table.”
Common in mediation and collaborative divorce
Faster, cheaper, and less stressful
Formal Discovery
Court-backed process when cooperation fails or finances are complex.
Tools include:
Document Requests (D&I): Enforceable demands for records
Depositions: In-person questioning under oath
Subpoenas: Compel banks, employers, or third parties to release documents
Interrogatories: Written questions (less revealing, but sometimes useful)
The Core Document: Statement of Net Worth
Every divorce requires this sworn disclosure. It includes:
Monthly expenses and income sources
Assets (real estate, investments, retirement accounts)
Debts (credit cards, loans, mortgages)
Family and household details
Three years of financial records (tax returns, bank statements, transfers)
This becomes the foundation for child support, spousal support, and property division.
When Basic Disclosure Isn’t Enough
Business Complexity
A spouse owns or controls a business
Income can be shifted, delayed, or hidden
Earning Capacity Issues
A spouse is underemployed by choice
They could reasonably earn more but aren’t
Degrees or licenses suggest higher earning potential
Asset Valuation
Real estate, retirement accounts, or investments need appraisal
High-value personal property requires expert assessment
Suspicious Activity
Lifestyle doesn’t match reported income
Unexplained transfers or large purchases
Missing or incomplete records
One spouse controls all finances and refuses access
Safety Note
If your spouse controls all the money and won’t share records, this may require immediate legal intervention. Please don’t wait for voluntary cooperation; delays only strengthen their position.
Strategy: Start Small, Escalate If Needed
Day 0–30: Request voluntary document exchange
Day 30–45: If responses are incomplete, send one follow-up request
Day 60+: No cooperation? Move to formal discovery
Cost Reality Check
Informal exchange: typically attorney review time (hundreds, not thousands)
Formal discovery: often thousands to tens of thousands, especially if experts or depositions are involved
Timeline Expectations
Straightforward cases: Plan for 2–4 months
Complex cases (business, multiple properties, hidden assets): Expect 6+ months, sometimes a year or more
Common Pitfalls
Where discovery goes wrong:
Accepting incomplete responses without follow-up
Missing deadlines and letting delays drag on
Spending more on discovery than the disputed assets justify
Where discovery goes right:
Requests are targeted and specific
Missing information is flagged quickly
Costs are weighed against potential payoff
Experts are used when complexity requires it
Why This Step Matters
Discovery isn’t just paperwork. It’s how you:
Understand your household’s financial reality
Negotiate from strength, not fear
Walk into court credible and prepared
And here’s a crucial point: if discovery uncovers hidden assets or unreported income, it can dramatically change your settlement. Courts often penalize concealment, which means the stakes are high for both sides.
Key Takeaway
Discovery isn’t about catching your spouse in lies, it’s about having facts when you need to make the biggest financial decisions of your life.
Do it right, and you’ll have clarity, credibility, and confidence for every decision that follows.
Stage III: Move Forward
Step 7: Negotiate and Draft Agreement
Who Decides: You or the Judge?
Settlement or court? This choice determines whether you keep control of your divorce outcome or hand it to a judge. Settlement usually means lower cost, faster timelines, and more privacy. Litigation means structure, deadlines, and decisions made for you.
Here’s how to navigate that choice strategically.
Two Roads: Scenic vs. Highway with Traffic
Settlement (Scenic Route)
You control the pace and the stops
Flexible, private, and tailored to your family’s needs
Typical timeline: 3–6 months once information is exchanged
Litigation (Highway with Traffic)
Court process with judges making decisions when you can’t
Structured but congested—delays, costs, and public record
Typical timeline: 1–3 years, sometimes longer
Most families end up using both routes—starting with settlement, dipping into court for structure, then returning to negotiation. That’s not failure. That’s strategy.
Two Types of Complexity
Emotional complexity – Can you communicate? Is trust broken? Are emotions running hot?
Financial complexity – Are there businesses, hidden income, or complicated assets?
Reality check: Most divorces are emotionally complex, not financially complex. Once trust issues settle and major assets are valued, settlement usually makes more sense than litigation.
The 90% Rule
You don’t need every detail before you start negotiating. If you have:
A clear picture of income and expenses
Valuations of major assets
Enough emotional readiness to compromise
…you’re ready. Waiting for perfection often causes delay without changing the outcome.
Anchoring in Negotiation
Negotiation is bargaining. The first position shapes the conversation. Use it wisely.
Parenting Example
If your goal is 40% of parenting time, starting with 50% creates space to compromise while protecting meaningful time with your kids.
Support Example
If you’d accept $2,000/month in spousal support, starting at $2,800 leaves room to land closer to your target.
Anchoring isn’t manipulation; it’s smart framing.
What Settlement Looks Like
A typical negotiation meeting:
Attorneys (or mediator) set the agenda
Each side presents proposals
Proposals get refined through discussion
Agreements are written down—even if partial
How to prepare:
Know your non-negotiables
List your “nice to haves”
Bring recent financial documents
Practice calm communication
Reality check: Even successful negotiations feel uncomfortable. Compromise means neither side gets everything they want—and that’s normal.
Warning Signs Negotiation Isn’t Working
Your spouse withholds information
Discussions stall with no movement
Positions are extreme or all-or-nothing
One side is clearly acting in bad faith
When these appear, court provides structure, deadlines, and enforceable orders.
Role of Experts in Settlement
Sometimes experts keep settlement on track:
Parenting coordinators – smooth custody disputes
Child specialists – focus decisions on kids’ needs
Financial neutrals – clarify income, assets, or business value
Communication coaches – prevent emotional derailments
Experts cost money but often save far more by avoiding litigation.
Key Takeaways
Settlement is faster, cheaper, and more private—make it your first lane.
Litigation is the fallback when the other side won’t cooperate.
90% information + preparation is enough—don’t wait for perfection before negotiating.
Anchoring and compromise matter—set realistic openings, know your bottom lines, and expect discomfort.
Bottom Line: Negotiation keeps control in your hands. Litigation puts it in a judge’s. Start with settlement, use court only when necessary, and treat both as tools to move your case forward.
Step 8: Emergency Applications
When You Need Court Help—Now
Most divorce issues can be negotiated. But sometimes you can’t wait. If your spouse cuts off support, blocks access to your kids, threatens safety, or drains accounts, you may need an emergency application (called an Order to Show Cause).
Reality check: Emergency applications escalate conflict. Use them only when waiting would cause real harm.
Before You File
Gather documentation: bank records, texts, emails, calendars
Try one last negotiation attempt (unless safety is at risk)
Prepare for escalation: filing usually raises the temperature
Where to File
Supreme Court – Main divorce court. Use for most emergency requests during divorce (support, custody, assets)
Family Court – Faster for safety issues. Best for immediate orders of protection
What Counts as an Emergency
Custody interference or denial of parenting time
Sudden cut-off of financial support
Domestic violence, harassment, or intimidation
Draining bank accounts, hiding or selling property
Major disruption of children’s routines or family finances
Common Emergency Applications
Temporary custody or parenting time orders
Orders of protection (safety-related)
Temporary child support or spousal support
Asset freeze or preservation orders
Timeline expectations:
Most hearings happen within 1–2 weeks
True emergencies (safety-related) can be heard within 24–48 hours
Temporary orders usually last until the case resolves or another judge modifies them
What Goes Into an Emergency Application
Your affidavit: Clear, factual account in your own words
Attorney’s legal papers: Explain the law and show authority
Supporting evidence: Financial records, texts, emails, expert reports if needed
Tip: Stick to relevant facts tied directly to your request. Judges see through exaggeration.
Strategic Considerations
Leverage Point: Temporary orders often shape final outcomes. A custody schedule or support award set now may become the “new normal.”
Other factors:
Attorney-intensive: These motions require significant time and resources
Timing matters: Judges dislike overuse; save for real emergencies
Alternatives exist: Some judges allow quick informal conferences before formal filings
What Happens Next
Filing: Papers submitted to court
Return date: Judge sets a conference date
Response: Spouse files opposition papers, sometimes with a cross-request
Decision: Judge may rule immediately or issue a written order later which we call reserving decision
Practical Tips
Stay credible – judges value facts over outrage
Keep it focused – avoid unrelated marital grievances
Plan ahead – use temporary relief to stabilize and create leverage for settlement
Key Takeaways
Emergency applications are for serious, time-sensitive risks, not everyday disputes
They provide temporary relief that often influences final outcomes
Filing will escalate conflict—be prepared
Credibility, documentation, and focus are what judges respect
Bottom Line: Emergency applications are a precision tool. Done right, they protect kids, safety, and finances while creating leverage for settlement. Done poorly, they burn credibility, cost money, and stall progress.
Step 9: The Preliminary Conference
Your First Day in Court
The Preliminary Conference (PC) is your official entry into court supervision. It’s not a trial, it’s the judge saying: “You couldn’t settle privately, so now I’m going to keep you moving forward.”
Timeline: The PC usually happens 2–4 months after filing, once the initial paperwork is in.
Why the Preliminary Conference Matters
Creates momentum when private talks stall
Imposes structure with deadlines for exchanging information
Applies pressure—judges often push for early settlement
Establishes credibility—first impressions last the whole case
Reality check: Most preliminary conferences don’t resolve cases immediately, but they set the framework and pressure that lead to eventual settlement.
What Happens at the Conference
Case overview: Attorneys outline the main issues—custody, support, property
Discovery schedule: Judge sets deadlines for tax returns, bank statements, appraisals, etc.
Settlement check: Judge may test whether there’s room for agreement now
Next steps: Court sets compliance or settlement conferences, or trial prep if needed
Duration: A PC typically lasts 1–2 hours, but plan for half a day.
How to Prepare
Arrive at least 1 hour early – security lines are unpredictable, and lateness damages credibility immediately
Bring essentials – water, snacks, patience; much of the time is waiting
Prepare paperwork – your Statement of Net Worth must be accurate and complete
Coordinate with your attorney – know your priorities, what you’ll negotiate, and what’s off-limits
Kids Come First
If custody or parenting time is unresolved, judges make it a top priority. Tools the court may use:
Attorney for the Child – represents the child’s interests
Parenting coordinator – helps with communication and logistics
Forensic evaluation – psychological/parenting assessments for high-conflict cases (expensive, months-long)
Tip: Keep kids out of the courtroom process whenever possible.
Finances on the Table
The PC sets the roadmap for financial issues:
Spousal support (maintenance) – temporary and long-term
Child support – formula-driven with some discretion
Property division – identifying, valuing, and dividing assets
Legal fees – whether one spouse should help cover attorney costs
Expect to provide at least 3 years of financial records through formal disclosure (tax returns, bank accounts, investments, property).
Strategic Opportunities
Leverage Point: Temporary orders often become the “new normal.” A custody schedule or support award set here may heavily influence the final outcome.
Other considerations:
Be reasonable—judges spot extreme positions quickly
Use deadlines—meet yours, and track whether your spouse misses theirs
Think partial settlements—agree on what you can now to shrink the fight later
What Comes After
Compliance conferences – enforce deadlines and track discovery
Settlement conferences – judges push toward agreement
Pre-trial conference – final narrowing of unresolved issues
Trial – judge decides what’s left
Key Takeaways
Prepare thoroughly – credibility established here affects your entire case
Show reasonableness – extreme positions backfire immediately
Take temporary orders seriously – they often stick and shape the final deal
Use the PC as momentum – it sets deadlines and pressure that drive progress
Bottom Line: The Preliminary Conference is where the court takes the wheel to keep your case moving. Show up prepared, credible, and open to settlement. Done right, it builds momentum toward resolution. Done poorly, it sets you on a longer, costlier path.
Final Thoughts
You’ve made it through the fundamentals. You understand the legal landscape, your process options, and the roadmap ahead. But here’s the truth: no guide can sugarcoat it. Divorce rarely goes according to plan.
Mike Tyson said it best: “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.” Divorce delivers those punches. The judge you thought would be even-handed has strong opinions that cut against you. Discovery turns up surprises you didn’t see coming. A process you thought would take months drags into years.
The Question That Guides Every Decision
When the surprises pile up, one question matters more than any other:
Is it worth it?
Is it worth $5,000 in legal fees to fight over $3,000 in property?
Is it worth another six months of stress to win a scheduling detail?
Only you can answer. Only you know what matters most for your future, and for your children, if you have them.
Think Beyond Divorce
This isn’t only about ending a marriage. It’s about shaping what comes next. Every decision, what you fight for, what you release, affects:
If you have kids: the next several years of co-parenting, holidays, school events, and milestones.
If you don’t: how you feel about this chapter when you look back, whether you preserved your dignity and positioned yourself to move forward.
Your divorce is temporary. But the way you handle it will shape your future relationships, finances, and peace of mind.
What Getting Going Really Means
This guide gives you the foundation to make informed choices, but getting going isn’t just about legal strategy. It’s about:
Staying flexible while protecting what matters most
Knowing when to fight and when to let go
Accepting that delays and surprises are part of the process
Keeping long-term stability in focus, not just short-term wins
When You Need More Support
This guide covers the essentials, but every case is unique. Sometimes situations demand more than general advice. Professional guidance can help when you’re facing:
Complex finances that need expert review
High-conflict dynamics where emotions derail progress
Stalled negotiations that need new strategy
Big-picture questions about what’s worth fighting for
Your Next Steps
Ground yourself in reality – Surprises will come. Plan for them.
Focus on what matters – Not every battle is worth the fight.
Stay flexible – Adjust as circumstances change.
Protect your long-term interests – Think beyond divorce to the life you’re building.
Seek support when needed – You don’t have to navigate this alone.
The Bottom Line
Divorce is hard and unpredictable. But with clear thinking and the right support, you can navigate it with your dignity intact and your future secure.
You’ve got the essentials. You’re ready to get going.
The only question now is: What comes next for you?