How to Dance with the Devil
High conflict divorce is an emotional battle. Think of it as the “extreme sports” version of divorce, with patterns and rules that are unlike those in a typical marriage breakup. To survive and thrive in this arena, you can’t rely on what you’ve habitually done, or respond on the fly without thinking. You’ll need effective, efficient strategies to neutralize the tactics you’ll encounter. Using them takes focus and determination. But once you understand the game being played, you can stay in it while minimizing the drama.
Here’s what you should know about the nature of the beast.
1. A typical divorce primarily focuses on solutions; a high conflict divorce focuses on issues. In a typical divorce, couples are focused on creating solutions. Most people want to move on with their lives and conserve their budget (time, emotions, energy and finances). They may act out at times and experience unproductive thinking, but they are able to move past their emotional roadblocks and enter into a settlement that satisfies them both.
Because of that, in a typical divorce, you can be authentic in asking for what is important to you. Your requests are viewed as reasonable and will likely be considered in good faith. For example, if you were the primary parent during the marriage and took care of the children, while your spouse was working 70 hours a week outside the home, you can expect that post-divorce, you will likely have primary custody without too much push-back.
2. The experience of people in a high conflict divorce is very different of those in a typical divorce. In a typical divorce, you may hear the following:
We resolved our divorce amicably in mediation.
We put our children first.
It wasn’t that bad; we behaved.
We were collaborative.
Contrast that with what you hear in a high conflict divorce:
You won’t believe the nightmare I am living.
I am so exhausted.
I fear for my children.
I am stuck.
The kids are being used against me.
3. In high conflict divorce, the primary focus is on the unresolved emotional issues. To put it another way, high conflict divorce keeps the focus on the conflict. The other side creates problems to ratchet up the pain you feel rather than trying to find solutions. Because of the focus on conflict and the bad behavior of the past, you cannot expect your spouse to accommodate your reasonable requests.
For example, if you were the primary parent during the marriage and your spouse works 70 hours a week outside the home, you can expect them to request equal or primary custody of the children.
You can also expect your spouse to engage in activities that aimed at making you lose your mind, which can trigger counterproductive behavior.
For instance, early in the divorce process, after retaining counsel, your spouse could seek mental health counseling and tell the therapist they fear you are abusing the children. Since mental health counselors are required to report any suspicions of abuse, and since they are generally emphatic people who presume that their clients are telling the truth, they may feel obligated to report such concerns to a child protective agency, which will investigate these claims.
It doesn’t necessarily matter that these child abuse allegations will come back as unfounded. The fear, anxiety and stress of being interviewed by child protective services and/or the police will either force most people to seriously consider rushing to settlement, or it will motivate them to fight to the bitter end.
If you settle quickly, you will most likely have to agree to unfavorable terms, and if you fight to the bitter end, you most likely will not make it through trial because you will have burned through your budget.
The only antidote to this dilemma is to use tactics, tools and strategies to build your mental strength and help you manage your budget—even when it feels counterintuitive.
4. Solution-focused strategies are not effective in divorces driven by conflict. One maddening irony you’ll have to accept is that your rational strategies for coming up with solutions won’t work against a spouse whose mindset is “my way or the highway” or “win at all costs.” Some spouses would rather pay their attorney more in legal fees than what they will have to pay their spouse in a settlement, just to get their way. For example, a conflict driven spouse who believes that she should retain most of the value of the marital home, even though this is not the law, would rather spend $50,000 dollars in legal fees than pay you $30,000. Likewise, if your spouse does not have the financial means to litigate, she may find an attorney who is willing to incur substantial legal fees by fighting every little issue under the sun. You may then get caught in self-interested maneuvering by both attorneys that results in your paying for the other side’s attorney fees, even though that attorney never provided any benefit to their client aside from running up that bill in the first place. It is a figure-eight that is hard to get out of without a deep understanding of the needs and interests at play.
5. Strong boundaries are empowering. Soft boundaries are taxing. When clients have difficulties in their divorce, it is usually because they need the other person to act rationally. Let me save you some heartache. Wishing won’t make that happen. But you can often influence your spouse to be more rational by taking a few steps to create strong boundaries.
First, you’ll naturally want to create physical boundaries—this is an easy one most people understand. (You set clear rules for the times and places you’ll come in contact.) At the same time, create digital boundaries. Start by noticing how often you look at email or text from your spouse. Do you rationalize that as long as you’re not responding, you can take a peek whenever something lands, no harm done? The problem is that looking at a triggering email or text taxes you emotionally and energetically. Setting digital limits will help you create strong emotional boundaries, so you are not obsessing about the bad acts of your spouse. Remember that strong physical and digital boundaries can help you bring order to your life—but that good work will be undone if you spend all your time compulsively thinking about how your spouse is ruining your life.
Second, set communication boundaries by limiting your exchanges with your spouse to objective information rather than opinions, judgments or criticism. When a disagreeable spouse is confronted with just-the-facts notes from you, at worst they may not respond to your email or text. At best, they may start to see things differently and be influenced to use a new way of communicating that doesn’t trigger either of you.
Third, set “escalation” boundaries by resolving never to escalate an argument. This last tip takes a massive amount of discipline if you like to win fights, but it’s essential if you want to win in your divorce. No matter what negative or vile thing your spouse says to you, always cloak your response in emotional intelligence. When I started making changes professionally and personally by speaking in a more emotionally intelligent way, even to opposing counsel who would bait me, I was changing decades-old patterns of relating to conflict. Every ounce of my being wanted to push back and give them what they were giving me. But I learned to restrain myself—and my clients do too. The only way to be efficient in a high conflict divorce, to play the long game by being smart and tactful, is to be in control of what you can control. It’s the most direct way to give yourself an edge.
Start with a few canned phrases to get things going. Think like a politician, and no matter what question is asked, know what answers you want to give. For example, if your spouse says, “You picked up the children late. Don’t let this happen again or else you won’t have parenting time.,” you’ll want to argue. But try restating their position in a neutral way: “You want the parenting plan to be strictly followed.” If they’re belligerent, you might just think those words to yourself to create some inner space.
If they’re calm enough, you might be able to start with, “You want the parenting plan to be strictly followed,” and then add words like: “I want that too, I am wondering though. When events outside our control make that impractical, what should we do?” Asking an open-ended question gives your spouse the illusion of control after you gave them understanding and respect.
When you are able to do this, you are starting to influence your spouse to act more rationally and stabilize your out-of-control divorce.
6. The odds are in your favor that your high conflict divorce can be settled on mutually agreeable terms. Spouses in high-conflict cases fall into two groups. The largest consists of people who have negative personality traits that flare up occasionally due to triggers that unleash their evil twin or shadow side. While they may at times act disagreeable, manipulative and even ruthless, depending on their motivations and triggers, they’re also able to be kind, considerate and flexible in your divorce which moves parties to a satisfactory settlement.
A much smaller group have full-fledged, diagnosable personality disorders— narcissistic, borderline, antisocial, histrionic or something else. Such disorders will make your spouse so inflexible that they are unable to adapt to the shifting tides in a divorce, the give and take necessary to reach a satisfactory settlement. There may be no light personality traits to counteract the dark personality traits, so what you are left with is an impasse, where your only hope for an equitable result is to have a decider like a judge help you move on with your lives.
Which “devil” are you dancing with in this divorce?
If your spouse has occasional negative personality traits, you have a 95% chance that your case will settle without the need for trial.
If your spouse has a personality disorder, you have a 5% chance that your case will settle.
Remember these figures, and plan accordingly.
KEY POINTS
You know you are in a high conflict divorce when the conflict is the primary focus.
Your best defense in a high conflict divorce is to create strong boundaries.
If you are dealing with a spouse who has more than temporary dark personality traits that come out when triggered, such as a diagnosable personality disorder, the odds are against a mutually satisfactory settlement, so save your budget (energy, time, money, emotion) for focusing on the trial.
