When I’m working to deescalate complicated divorces, I usually turn to mediators. 

Experienced mediators can help people focus on resolving future issues rather than staying stuck in the past over deadlocked conflict.  

Highly trained mediators are so good at defusing conflict you might expect that if they were going through a divorce, it would be uncontested.

Unfortunately, mediators too are susceptible to the common problems facing most people ending a marriage, and I see them wind up in heated battles more often than you’d think.  

While they (and other conflict professionals) may be skilled at resolving other people’s conflict, they lose their cool, professional distance and perspective when the conflict is focused on them. They often respond like amateurs.

This happens, too, to level-headed people who are used to playing peacemaker for friends and family. When you’re the subject of the conflict, it is far too easy to fall into common, unproductive conflict traps. 

If you’re caught in one of those conflict traps, the following three strategies can help you get out of it: 

Don’t Personalize the Attack 

The natural tendency is to get defensive when attacked. But arguing and defending yourself escalates the conflict.  

A better approach is to think of what need is not being met that is causing the outburst. If you can do this, you may gain empathy (not agreement) for the other person’s position, which often− energetically speaking−makes you less defensive.

For example, say Sam and Susan are getting a divorce and Susan says, “I cannot afford the child support you are seeking. What do you want to do, throw me into bankruptcy?” 

Sam may defend himself by saying something like: “I am NOT spending too much. I mean, I go to Costco for groceries.”

But that is not as productive as Sam thinking, “What need is Susan is trying to express to me? It sounds like she has a concern about her financial security.” If Sam can stop to think in those terms, it allows him to feel more empathy for Susan’s experience so he can be less concerned about the need to defend his own position, which usually only leads to deadlock.  

Be Ready or Don’t Engage 

It is crucial to be in the right headspace before responding to any outbursts. If you react right away, your reaction is likely to be more of an overreaction, which causes escalation.  

Even something as simple as stopping to ask yourself, “What was that really about?” instead of jumping in for a counterattack can help move you to a more productive state.

If you can create stronger boundaries and only respond when you are feeling ready to do so, you will give yourself the space needed to find better solutions to the problems you face.  

Taking a few moments to try and collect yourself to switch your thinking gears will help you get out of your reactive state and engage in higher thinking. You’ll most likely do better all-around if you can respond from this higher thinking state instead of reacting with your immediate thoughts. 

Let the Other Side Make the Decision 

People do not like having ideas foisted on them. A better practice is to first explore ideas from the other side’s perspective to gain buy-in. That means asking questions to get information about what they think.

In Sam and Susan’s child-support conflict, Sam could do this by saying. “You have concerns about your finances. What do you think is the appropriate child support amount?” Then, if the amount does not work for Sam, he can give Susan his budget and ask what items they should remove. 

Often, when people know how money is being spent, they are more comfortable with the expenditures.  

You’ll make progress a lot faster when you are exchanging information instead of jumping in, outrage flaring, to defend yourself.