Divorce, especially high conflict divorce, comes with stress that can trigger mental health issues. Uncertainty, fear and anger can build, and coping with the strain and pressure can be difficult for many people. It’s harder still for those predisposed to mental health challenges, such as depression and anxiety, if they do not get the help they need to manage their emotions.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, take it seriously and get support. Many people are a little high-strung, anxious or prone to depression but manage their lives without feeling the need to seek out (or stay in) therapy or counseling. But in a high conflict divorce, they can easily start feeling overwhelmed and unable to cope. If you are overwhelmed and find that you aren’t acting yourself, or that you do careless things, have suicidal thoughts, or use drugs or alcohol more frequently, this is the time to reach out to a mental health provider. Remember the lesson we learn each time we fly: in case of an emergency, put on your oxygen mask first. That ensures that you’ll be safe and supported before you engage with others who are also in distress.

If your spouse has untreated mental health challenges, here’s what to expect. Your spouse may be predisposed to mental health challenges or may have a disorder that’s gone untreated. If they do not seek mental health services or engage in regular self-care, such as proper sleep, nutrition, and exercise, it is more likely than not that you are in store for a difficult divorce. You should then begin to make the following three assumptions: 

• Ongoing challenges are a given. Assume things will not get better with your spouse—even post-divorce. It may get better, however, if your former spouse does the hard work necessary for transformation. But don’t expect that to happen or make it a condition of your own happiness.
  

• You can get better. Things will not necessarily get easier, but you get better at dealing with the challenges of a difficult spouse, especially if you have to co-parent for years to come or are dependent on long-term spousal support.
  

• Self-care is not optional. Do a deep dive into self-care. It will only make you feel better. Self-care can range from enjoying regular hobbies to exercise, proper nutrition and sleep, as well as even seeing a therapist. Remember, therapists go to therapy too. We all need self-care and support to help us through difficult times.

Two spousal archetypes: Anchors and Sails. Is your spouse anchored in the idea that the status quo is best for you and your family because of the resources they provide? Or do they seem eager to sail into a new future and help you do the same? Anchor-type spouses can give you stability, but they can also drag you down and prevent you from getting where you want to go. Anchors fear change and an anchor with unaddressed mental health issues may act out in anger or withdraw when you work to move on. Sails-type spouses support you in getting where you want to go. But they may also take you way outside your comfort zone with the speed of the journey, triggering fear and anxiety. A sails-type spouse with mental health challenges may be less flexible in adapting to the changing tides ahead and will answer small challenges with outsized reactions. A spouse can fall into either archetype.

• Anchor-type spouses need to separate perception from reality. Anchors may view the divorce as unnecessary and argue that the other person has lost their mind. Realize that that perception may come from an incomplete or faulty view of what is truly driving their partner’s behavior.
  

• Sail-type spouses need to appreciate the pace of the journey. Sails may have a burst of energy now that they feel their spouse does not weigh them down. They may have many ideas about a new life. However, if the spouse is not in agreement, it may be especially hard for sail-type spouses to reach this new life ideal at the pace they want. Sails may have blind spots when it comes to the amount of time and effort required to work through mutual needs and differences. They often don’t realize that they’ll have to roll with shifting conditions and ride out periods when progress seems to stop—causing their frustration to climb.

Mental health issues can and do change the dynamics of a divorce as the level of stress rises and falls in people in different ways. If your spouse has untreated mental health issues that may rise to the level of a mental health disorder, expect chaos in your divorce. To cope, you should always see that you get the self-care you need first before dealing with a difficult spouse. If you don’t, you may find yourself feeling isolated and overwhelmed, which is not useful for achieving your divorce goals. Divorce involves stress and problems. That is doubly true when untreated or undiagnosed mental health issues come into play.

The better you protect and tend to your emotional wellbeing, the better off you’ll be.