Imagine two versions of yourself, three years into the future. 

In Version One, you stay locked in a toxic dynamic with your ex over issues. You bicker, you argue, you attack. It is as if you are still in a bad marriage. 

In Version Two, you commit to making a small improvement every day to have better communication with your ex for the benefit of your children. How will your life be different in a year if you choose one or the other? Three years? Five Years? What will life be like for your children?  

I think we agree. You want Version Two. Here’s an example of how to get there.

Let’s say your ex does something with your children you find objectionable, such as returning your child with a sunburn.

Your goal then is to have your ex properly apply sunscreen, so your child does not get burned. That is what you want to see. 

What gets that result? Let’s look at three scenarios.

1. You criticize the behavior. It’s obvious to you that a correction is needed. How can you let this slide? So, you criticize your ex for being careless. That’s justified, right? The only problem with this approach is that people do not like to be criticized. So usually, they will get defensive. Your ex may respond with denial: “I did apply the sunscreen.” Your ex may respond with an attack: “I picked him up, and he already had a sunburn.” And there you are again, spinning your wheels in an argument, getting nowhere. Criticism does not seem to get the change in behavior you want.

2. You catastrophize the situation. You can say to your ex, “You want our child to get skin cancer? Why are you so thoughtless? You are just so self-absorbed, probably on your phone, that you don’t even watch our child when he is with you. Who knows what will happen next?” In truth, though, having a child get sunburned during parenting time does not necessarily make you or your ex—a terrible or neglectful parent. It is easy to imagine disaster when you are triggered. But will sharing these negative, unfiltered thoughts help you achieve the desired result? Your ex is likely to respond, “Stop worrying so much!” as they minimize it and make you feel devalued. 

3. You praise the good. You may be thinking, “what good is there to praise when your child returns with a sunburn?” A sunburn may not be good news, but this is one occasion, and it is most likely not a life-or-death situation. If you are in a life or death situation —let’s call that an ugly situation—then please do what you need to control it. But if it is simply a bad situation that needs to improve, my suggestion is to ignore it on this one occasion. Limit yourself to giving the other side a firm warning, such as “I noticed he was sunburned. That is not good.” And leave it at that. Then, when your ex does return the child without a sunburn, praise that act because that is what you want! You can also express how relaxed it makes you feel that you know the child is in such good parenting hands. What you get from this is peace, and it is one more step toward an easier relationship with your ex. When your child sees and hears the praise, they will feel safe. Your blood pressure stays low. Win-win.

One final note: the tools and tactics you use to get a divorce without losing your mind aren’t something you put down when you reach the finish line. They’re practices to build on every day. So, this is not just about overcoming challenges now but about following principles for a better post-divorce life. It’s doable. One small change, one small improvement at a time.