Six Common Mistakes That Can Sabotage Your Divorce
If you’re going through a divorce, you know it’s not necessarily going to be easy to reach an ideal settlement, one that takes a limited amount of time and energy and sets you up for post-divorce success. You might be willing to compromise to move things along, but if your spouse is oppositional, you can quickly hit a divorce deadlock.
If you’re feeling stuck in your divorce or unsure about what to do next to gain traction in the process, you’re not alone.
Countless people face the same struggle to reach a fair settlement. There’s a ton of advice out there on conscious uncoupling, but when your soon-to-be ex does not seem to be doing anything consciously, it’s hard to know which steps will actually help you resolve your differences.
It’s important to get unstuck, though, because the more frustrated you become, the more likely you are to fall into avoidable traps and have your hopes for an equitable result dashed.
Your emotions can begin to drive impulsive actions that put you on the fast track to sabotaging your divorce.
So in this post, I’d like to show you the six most common mistakes and behaviors that can lead to divorce slowdowns and sabotage. I’ll show you what might be going wrong and then I’ll show you solutions that will help keep you conscious and in control whether you’re just starting out in your divorce or looking to improve your pending divorce matter.
Avoiding these six mistakes is guaranteed to help move you toward being creative and not reactive in your divorce so you can focus on what matters most to you.
To your divorce success,
Mistake # 1. Not Taking a 24-Hour Pause
It’s easy to get burned in the heat of the moment. So if your soon-to-be ex sends an email or text that makes you angry, wait at least 24 hours before responding. This gives you time to calm down and think about what you want to say. Responding immediately and impulsively increases the chances of problems in your divorce. Adrenaline-driven insults, threats and demands can fly though your fingers when you’re upset, and they don’t simply disappear once you press send. Remember that most texts and emails will be shown to the Court if things go south, so let any response pass the flamethrower test first. If a judge reading this text or email would think it was intended to provoke the other person, revise it. Communication between soon-to-be exes should be civil (at least on the surface).
Mistake # 2. Not Setting Boundaries
You can’t stay sane in your divorce if you keep yourself available to your spouse 24/7. Create physical and digital boundaries between yourself and them. If you still live together, set rules for when and where you will interact to avoid triggering issues. Turn off notifications for their emails and texts, and choose specific times of day (or specific days of the week) to look at them. If your soon-to-be ex is sending you five emails a day, it may be helpful to respond to them all at once if you are triggered by them. And whenever you are triggered, remember tip no. 1.
Mistake # 3. Focusing on Being Right
In a difficult divorce, using facts and logic to persuade your spouse will not work. They are driven by emotions. So, instead of trying to prove you are right, try to understand why they are taking a position. Look below the surface to understand what is driving your spouse’s behavior. When you can begin to identify the values you share—for example, both of you want your kids to be healthy, both of you want your husband to be a good father—you can shift the conversation from, “You’re a maniacal control freak, and I’m right” to “What other options do we have for getting what we both value?” “You choose yourself over the kids all the time” to “I know you need self-care to rejuvenate.” If you are having challenges doing this, talking to a therapist about the motivations will be enlightening and a worthy investment of resources for peace of mind.
Mistake #4. Forgetting to Offer Emotional Support
Despite everything, the other person is still human, and negotiations get smoother when you inject humanity into them. Giving emotional support does not mean giving your spouse what they want. Instead, acknowledge that they are under stress and try to understand their point of view. For example, you could say, "This is a challenging time for us, and feeling financially strained isn’t good for our family." You need to give your soon-to-be ex what they want for them to give you what you want. Their position is usually only a strategy for achieving their stated goal. Still, you may learn other strategies to achieve their goal, which they may be more open to providing if you establish some emotional common ground.
Mistake # 5. Making Demands Instead of Asking Questions
Demands are negotiation stoppers. So instead of telling your spouse what you want, ask them open-ended questions to get them thinking about solutions. For example, if you disagree about your child watching an R-rated movie, ask, "How can we make sure our child is safe watching an R-rated movie that may expose adult themes and nudity?”
Mistake #6. Forgetting to Manage your "Divorce Budget"
A difficult divorce will affect your emotions, energy, time, and money. Make sure you are taking care of your physical and mental health and spending your resources wisely. Avoid responding to your spouse's every demand and focus on your most important goals. Put simply, sweating the small stuff and being pulled into battling over every issue will lead you to be over budget. Instead, you have to set your own priorities and focus primarily on the issues that are most meaningful to help you achieve long-term divorce success.