Most people say they want a fair divorce. That seems hard to argue with. The challenge, however, lies in the fact that the concept of “fair'” is subjective.

You could seek advice from your attorney on what a fair divorce outcome might look like, but remember that lawyers' perspectives are often influenced by their previous experiences, legal knowledge, and their own financial considerations.

Your loved ones might also offer their opinions, but they, too, are influenced by their personal experiences and their understanding of what’s “fair.” The concept of “fairness” is so ambiguous and vague that instead of fixating on it, it's more beneficial to concentrate on something more concrete: satisfying your needs.

What are your needs?

It's not easy to identify your needs.

You might not have wanted a divorce. Perhaps your need is simply to preserve things as they are, striving to save your marriage or shield your children from the instability of a divorce.

You may be just trying to get a grip on immediate concerns, which might make it challenging to consider your long-term needs.

Or perhaps you're considering divorce because you've been focusing heavily on your own desires. You may find yourself comparing your life to what you see on social media or reality TV, which can make your marriage seem less exciting. This might lead you to believe that things could be better elsewhere and to overlook the important ways your spouse contributes to your life. To put it in a simple analogy, driving a Honda Accord might not be as thrilling as riding a motorcycle, but it's the perfect vehicle for a family of four. So do you need the adrenaline rush of open roads (which aren't common in and around NYC), or might it be possible to appreciate the practicality and comfort the “Honda Accord” marriage provides for you and your children?

Seven Steps to Getting What You Need

Once you decide, or accept, that the marriage is over, a new set of needs pushes to the foreground— perhaps protecting the quality of your post-divorce life and your children’s futures. Navigating through a divorce to satisfy those fundamental concerns can be devastating, particularly when it feels like your spouse's needs conflict with your own. However, don't worry. The eight steps outlined below will help you secure what you need in your divorce, enabling you to make a smoother transition into a more joyful life. You likely have more options than you think, especially as you begin to explore what’s at the core of what you need.

1.     Identify your most essential need.

What's that one essential need you're looking for in your life post-divorce?

Is it to ensure a peaceful divorce for the sake of your children and to avoid a potential custody battle?

Is it to ease your way into your new life with a particular level of financial support or other resources?

This may be the first time you are considering yourself and your independence, and it may take time to identify your most essential need. Be open to letting it evolve as clarity comes, and you understand yourself and your post-divorce desires better.

2.     Assess where your spouse places value to improve chances of success.

Most people prefer to avoid a prolonged divorce battle.

However, it's easy to become paralyzed by one’s position, leading to a difficult-to-resolve divorce conflict.

But remember that you have a powerful advantage. You likely know your partner better than anyone else in most situations, so you can leverage this understanding to determine where to exchange value.

For instance, if your spouse is set on a swift divorce, they might be open to streamline your negotiations by offering you a lump sum payment. This could be a beneficial alternative to monthly child support or spousal support, providing you with a sum to invest to increase your financial peace of mind.

Or maybe your spouse has never been as involved as you are with your children, but places high value on being with them and hates the idea of letting you have primary custody. If your spouse is a loving parent who does the best with what they have, it might be more beneficial for your children, in the long run, to agree on an equal or nearly equal parenting schedule. This could be a better option than pursuing primary custody, especially if it means going through a custody trial to achieve it. And resolving this key issue could make it easier to resolve others.

3.     Assess your budget sensitivity from the outset.

How much time, money, and emotional energy are you actually willing to spend to get what you want in the divorce? Starting with the end goal in mind can be highly advantageous to budgeting your divorce.

It's important to understand that resorting to the court process isn't always the most efficient or constructive way to achieve results. Many seem to consider going to court as a primary choice, but it's often most appropriate as a last resort. Just as most health concerns are best handled by your regular doctor or at urgent care centers, not in a hospital emergency room, a vast majority of divorce decisions don’t need the costly, high-intensity intervention of judges and appeals courts. In the legal world, attorneys often have a financial incentive to spend more time in court, which can attract some of the best minds in the field to litigation. However, the reality is that court proceedings can often be damaging to you, your family, and your overall well-being.

When assessing your budget, it may be helpful to answer the following questions.

• Are you ready to invest the energy that multi-year litigation demands?

• Can you carve out time from your schedule to concentrate on your divorce?

• Do you have the financial strength to manage a divorce conflict that could possibly cost as much as your children's education?

• Are you emotionally equipped to deal with the roller coaster of emotions that this process may bring?  

Do you need to go to court? A settlement with your spouse that satisfies you both is a victory, not a compromise. Settling doesn’t mean “settling for” less than you need.

4.     Consider how your spouse might react to your need.

As you think ahead to how to get what's most important to you, it could be helpful to think about how your spouse might respond to your requests.

Say, for instance, you're aiming to gain primary custody of your children, and you feel that turning to the court system is your last resort. Here are some questions to consider:

• Would your spouse be open to mediation?

• Would they consider working with a parenting expert to enhance parenting skills?

• Are they willing to engage in family therapy to address any toxic parenting dynamics?

• Would they think about collaborating with a parenting coordinator to modify the parenting schedule as the children's needs change over time?

If you've answered yes to the previous questions, it's likely that you could reach your objectives through an out-of-court resolution.

On the other hand, if you've answered no, it's important for you to think about how this might influence your future decisions, especially with the potential of a custody war, which would put your children in the middle of the litigation.

5.     Monitor settlement discussions for clues to your spouse’s real needs.

In an ideal world where fairness, logic, and complete information prevail, negotiation would be a straightforward science. However, the reality is that emotions play a significant role in reaching settlements, and these emotions can greatly impact divorce agreements.

You might find that your spouse initially resists your proposals during the divorce process. However, the dynamics of settlement discussions can shift depending on how well you address their needs in your negotiations. 

Don't let their overt stance on a particular position discourage you; instead, try to understand the fundamental need they're trying to satisfy.

For instance, if your spouse insists on equal parenting time despite showing little interest in parenting before, it could be a signal that they wish to be recognized as an equal parent and don't want to feel like a lesser parent.

So, how can you effectively address this need for respect in a manner that benefits everyone involved without necessarily agreeing to the specific demand, which can be satisfied in other ways? It's worth taking seriously what your spouse truly desires and brainstorming innovative ways to fulfill that objective. Could you give your spouse a sense of respect and equality by suggesting, for instance, that they have the final say over decisions in one area of your children’s life (say education) while you have the final say over medical decisions?

6.     Assess the input you get from third parties. 

To move divorce matters forward, parties usually involve professionals.

Typically, the initial professionals we turn to are lawyers, who can serve as defenders, advisors, or sometimes both. Your lawyer may defend your standpoint, but that doesn't automatically mean your standpoint is justified. A lawyer who plays the role of an advisor, however,  can provide you with a sound evaluation of the risks associated with achieving your objectives.

If settlement negotiations reach an impasse because your attorneys have taken on the role of defending your positions rather than advising you, it is helpful to seek out and listen to other third-party responses. Some avenues for doing that include:

Mediation: This process helps you hear more clearly what is really important to your spouse. In mediation, you can flesh out your understanding of the emotional issues in the divorce, so it is easier to be logical about the process.

• Useful for: Divorcing couples who want to work things out outside of court, with or without attorneys.

Collaborative Divorce. This process allows attorneys and other professionals to work together in a team environment to creatively fashion solutions outside of court, removing the threat of litigation as leverage.

• Useful for: Divorcing couples who are comfortable having their own attorneys work together in a creative way to solve joint problems outside of court.

Consulting Experts and Specialists. This allows divorcing couples who may not agree on things to use professional judgment as an alternative to their own individual biases. Financial analysts, real estate professionals, and parenting or custody experts are among those whose input can help break deadlocks.

• One common use: Disputes about the valuation of a home, where a neutral, trusted real estate expert can appraise value.          

7.     Decide whether the result is worth the cost.

You can learn from the experts you consult about the cost of achieving your goal, and once you do, you need to decide if the result is worth the cost.

You can do this by using different scales to measure the importance of achieving your needs. For example, if you say it is important for you to receive 10 years of maintenance, but you really want 20 years, are you able or willing to increase your income or reduce your expenses so that, in effect, you will be receiving the cash-flow equivalent of “20” years of maintenance? If you think you would rather fight this issue, are you figuring in the transaction costs—the time, the energy, the money, the emotion—it will take to achieve this stated need?

What would happen if you invested this budget into making additional income rather than fighting a divorce war, especially as there is no certainty you can achieve your goals through the court process?

As the song points out, there’s a difference between what you want and what you need, and in your divorce, the goal is to get what you need.  It’s hard work, but each of the steps above can take you closer to the clarity and creativity that go into a winning strategy—and could help keep you out of the budget-breaking court of last resort.