Over the past few years, the Covid-19 crippling of the court system has prompted more people to reassess what’s important to them in their divorce.

It used to be the case that people cared most about “winning” their difficult divorce if the issues were important. They focused on battling to the bitter end and compromising as little as possible. Now it’s especially expensive to do that. The pretrial phase of a contested divorce, where motions are made and discovery is ongoing, can last years, and that’s led to a growing mindset shift among people who want to sidestep a divorce ordeal.

How do you make that shift, so the long middle period of a divorce doesn’t take over your life?

It starts with learning to switch from obsessive thinking to what I call “forward-thinking.”

Here’s what both styles look like.

Obsessive thinking

Obsessive thinkers are heavily focused on the past—especially grievances, regrets, and resentments. Of course, it is hard sometimes not to be obsessive. Many people going through a divorce feel their life is falling apart. They are in real pain. But focusing on the past leaves the brain little or no time to get energized on post-divorce goals. You can restore mental energy by creating a roadmap to motivate you to do the work necessary to achieve your long-term divorce goals. If you don’t have this plan in place, you may find your divorce going sideways, with too much time being consumed by problems that often take on a life of their own.

 Forward-thinking

Forward thinkers are all about the future. They keep asking: “Given the reality in front of me, how can I most easily get what I want?”—and that keeps them moving forward instead of into obsessive emotional rabbit holes.  It is easy to focus on the future if you are the person who wants the divorce. If not, it will be harder for you, but it’s essential.  After a period of mourning, the only option that will let you reclaim your life is to focus on a detailed vision for the way you want to live post-divorce. You will have to think about it, imagine it—and then you’ll have to plan. This will entail breaking down what you have/want/need to do into micro-steps if you feel overwhelmed and paralyzed.

 How the two styles handle the same situation

Here’s a typical example: If you currently do not have the co-parenting relationship you want in your divorce, and you are more inclined to obsessive thinking, you will spend a lot of energy focusing on events outside your control, such as trying to get your spouse to follow specific rules you think are best for the children. If you are more inclined to be forward-thinking, you will think about the best way to resolve this issue using the least energy available. You may decide, for example, to retain a parenting coordinator to work on better communication between you and your spouse.

 If your spouse rejects that, claiming that it is too expensive, you accept that co-parenting may not be an option. You will most likely have a parallel parenting situation after the divorce, where each parent’s home has distinct rules and styles of handling the children. By accepting what you have before you, you prioritize a more peaceful parenting future that’s in your control instead of perpetuating chronic conflict with your ex over the inevitable issues of jointly raising children.   

If you are in the most challenging divorce imaginable, it is most likely because one or more people in the divorce are stuck on an obsessive thinking spin cycle.

So the question is: how do you spend more time on forwarding thinking if you routinely face problems that cause you to obsess about them?

Here are five principles I share with many of my clients. They bear repeating and repeating.

1.  If you are triggered, do nothing for at least 24 hours. 

2. During those 24 hours, invest in self-care such as a 30-minute walk where you are not obsessively thinking about what is bothering you. 

3. If, after 24 hours, you are still triggered, wait a week. 

4. During that week, continue to invest in self-care that lets you shift your mind from what is bothering you. 

5. If, after a week, you are still triggered, it is time to address these issues therapeutically with a professional. 

By following this shortlist, you will give yourself the best chance of resolving your difficult divorce more efficiently.