Do Not Bring Your Whole Self to Court
A recent article in The Economist titled “Do not bring your whole self to work” argues that with good intentions, we want to bring our “whole selves” to work.
We think it makes us more genuine, and our workplaces more real if we don’t edit who we are, but it’s a bad idea, because that “whole self” is a mix of positive and negative qualities, and it works against us to show up with negatives. We are often valued only for the good qualities we bring.
The same dynamic works in divorce. Don’t bring your whole self to your divorce, especially if you need a person to decide it.
Why?
Because once the court sees your negative traits and begins to think negatively about you, it is very hard to change their mind.
Lawyers know this, which is why the opposing side works so hard to emphasize your bad traits in divorce litigation.
The hard truth is that divorce litigation is a battle between two people who emphasize each other’s bad traits and the one with the least bad traits wins.
But wait a minute, you may be saying. Isn’t ligation the search for justice? The court always favors the party that deserves to win because the facts are on their side, right?
If you believe that’s true, you most likely have a catalog of the facts to submit to the court once you have your day in court.
You discuss these facts with your attorney, your friends, and whoever else will listen to make sure the truth is on your side.
You’re confident that justice will be done in court and the ruling will go your way.
The only problem is that facts are an illusion.
There is no objective reality.
What is important to one person may be different from what is important to another. There are no “objective” truths or facts.
Only the perceptions of the fact-finder are real, either the judge or jury.
The reality, then, is in our perception.
Nothing else really matters.
Many truths exist depending on our perceptions.
I see this all the time when people get divorced. Some feel blessed by an extra $2,000 per month in child support, while others are anxious and find that $25,000 a month is not enough.
When you say, “I am going to win,” what you are really saying is: my framing of the issue is superior to yours.
Most people go into trial thinking that they will win.
They are very passionate about the cause.
They believe their perceptions of the situation are accurate.
Because the mind cannot differentiate between reality and perception.
Our perceptions become our reality.
To be persuasive in court, you must manipulate those perceptions.
One essential way to do that is by understanding that when you bring your worst side to court, you’re supporting the negative arguments against you. You’re reinforcing negative perceptions and making the other side more believable.
The more you act out and make yourself unlikable, the more you predispose the decider(s) that you’re less credible, less deserving and less trustworthy. Truth, remember, is subjective, and your behavior during the case sets the tone. Whom do they believe, the person who calmly makes their case? Or the one who rage-texts, threatens and shows up late, at their absolute worst?
The earlier you can manipulate the court’s perceptions, or in Robert Cialdini’s words, “pre-suade” the decider, the better your chance of winning!